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Author Topic: Does NO ONE get it??? ARGH!  (Read 6106 times)
dohertyswissy
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« on: January 15, 2007, 10:56:29 AM »

I am sooo frustrated I feel like I'm going to SCREAM!!!! 

Background info for those of you who don't know: Ranger joined my household 3 years ago as a puppy when I was still married.  Fast forward to now - I am no longer married and been on my own with my baby for a 1 1/2 years.  Needless to say, I am extremely bonded to Ranger, as he is to me.  I'm more than confident that he literally saved me numerous times over during what was a very difficult 12 months and was instrumental in my healing process.  So, as I started tipping my toes back into the dating pool, one of my main requirements was that whoever I got involved with would accept and love Ranger.  Let me tell you what, Ranger made no bones about who he did and didn't like and those who he didn't like didn't stick around.  Now, I'm dating a guy who is wonderful and loves Ranger and is great to him.  But, Houston, we have a problem....

I spent the entire weekend painting a beach house that he owns with his Mom.  His Dad died 4 years ago and has taken it upon himself to take care of her, which I totally respect.  Anyway, Ranger stayed with my parents because I didn't think it was best to paint with a dog running around.  As we were heading back, he asked me if I wanted to come back down in 2 weeks to hang up the pictures, etc. I said, sure, but can Ranger come?  I can see him get a little uneasy, but says yes.  Then, I get an email this morning with this LONG paragraph about how anal we are going to have to be about cleaning up after him and cleaning his paws, etc., etc.  because he and Mommy Dearest keep it spotless and he likes it that way and wasn't going to mention to her that we were bringing him.  That he didn't want to upset me and that he loves Ranger, but hopes I can understand that he has a lot to consider when taking him down there.

What?Huh  So, basically you love my dog as long as he's not in YOUR space?  That is sure as h*ll what it sounds like and I can't help but feel like if Ranger was a small dog this would be a non-issue.  Maybe it is the concern for Mommy Dearest, I don't know, but DAMMIT I feel like I have had this conversation over and over again!!!  Ranger is the sweetest, most chilled out dog on the planet.  Sure he sheds and goobers the sheets every once and a while, but he had never destroyed anything and is super easy to get along with and take care of!!  On top of that, what kind of person do you think I am??  Do you really think that I would just let my dog go off half-cocked and ruin your beach house???  JEEZUS!!!!!  Ranger is like my child and if he isn't welcome with open arms, then it hurts me and I don't want any part of it!! 

So, needless to say, we are now in a tiff about it because my response to the aforementioned email was less than pleasant and our I.M.s were a little heated too.  He thinks I'm overreacting. 

Is it just unreasonable to think that unless someone has or has had a big paw that they will ever truly "get it?"  Am I expecting too much here??  He is soo good to Ranger.. walks him, loves on him, h*ll...even helps me sweep up dog hair at the house.. but this has just flown all over me.  Am I being too sensitive?Huh? HELP!
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schelmischekitty
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« Reply #1 on: January 15, 2007, 11:11:33 AM »

is his mom going to live there?  if so, it might just be that he's trying to be "perfect" in every manner of the word for his mom, so he wants the house to be spotless.  the "gotta please mommy" complex like my hubby has sometimes?  if he's a really nice guy, maybe it's just that he's too attached to his mom, and maybe if he backed off a little, etc, he wouldn't be so finicky about cleanliness.  it sounds like he loves dogs, but then maybe he's a guy who loves other people's dogs??  i sure hope things straighted out, and that you find a perfect guy to make your life complete again.
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steffanie in atlanta

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Anakalia
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« Reply #2 on: January 15, 2007, 11:15:04 AM »

Wow, I'm so sorry you're having to go through this!  I don't think you're over reacting at all!  I don't know all the details of your situation, he does sound really sweet, but while reading this I was reminded of my ex.  He was a true momma's boy and anything his mom told him to do he did it.  He never stood up for himself and to make matters worse his mom was psycho so she caused a lot of probs in OUR relationship. I'm super glad I got away from all that craziness. lol I think if you can't compromise and find a solution that makes you both happy, then the relationship really isn't worth it, but like I said I don't know your whole situation, the bottom line is YOU have every right to be happy!
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dohertyswissy
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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2007, 11:20:27 AM »

is his mom going to live there?  if so, it might just be that he's trying to be "perfect" in every manner of the word for his mom, so he wants the house to be spotless.  the "gotta please mommy" complex like my hubby has sometimes?  if he's a really nice guy, maybe it's just that he's too attached to his mom, and maybe if he backed off a little, etc, he wouldn't be so finicky about cleanliness.  it sounds like he loves dogs, but then maybe he's a guy who loves other people's dogs??  i sure hope things straighted out, and that you find a perfect guy to make your life complete again.

Well, he's had several dogs in his lifetime, so I know that he does like the critters.  I really think that it has to do with his Mom.  She is still having very, very  hard time from losing his father, which I can't even imagine and I'm trying not to make a judgement on...but, I got needs to you know...and part of that is my pupper!
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Anakalia
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« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2007, 11:29:53 AM »

Well, he's had several dogs in his lifetime, so I know that he does like the critters.  I really think that it has to do with his Mom.  She is still having very, very  hard time from losing his father, which I can't even imagine and I'm trying not to make a judgement on...but, I got needs to you know...and part of that is my pupper!

I had forgotten about his father passing away when I wrote my response, I really hope I didn't come off too harsh.  That would be hard to deal with, his mother is probably feeling lonely.  Just an idea though... what if you were to tell him you have decided not to go, because you feel Ranger would be left out?  OR that Ranger is your responsibility and you don't feel right leaving him with someone else all the time?  Just tell him what your feeling and hopefully it'll all work out.  My fiance Tony's got "his" saying.. "If ya got something to say just say it!" hahahaa   OH I'm getting totally lame and mushy now..... think warm fuzzies! lol  Grin
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EllieAndBlu
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« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2007, 11:58:05 AM »

Oh Heather - this sucks!

I have a bad case of PMS so please keep that is mind while reading this....lol

I hate to say it, but I also see several red flags flying here.

1) saying "yes" in your presence until a computer is available to email you "no"

2) appears to be a mama's boy. There is NO rationalizing with a mama's boy. Now I cant imagine how horrible it was for his mom (and him) to lose his dad... and I really feel for them, I really do! I admire him for taking care of his mom... but there comes a point where mom can take care of herself... I am wondering if this is all an excuse to cover the fact he has always been a mama's boy.

3)The whole keeping everything "spotless" could be an obessive red flag...lol (PMS is kicking back in!)

Dang I am getting fired up over this... I just hate to see the lack of consideration and respect for you and your feelings!

I hope you are able to resolve all this with the guy, one way or the other!

Hang in there and be strong, girl!  Smiley

Rachel

* modified to ask - does he have any siblings? *
 
« Last Edit: January 15, 2007, 12:05:05 PM by EllieAndBlu » Logged
schelmischekitty
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« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2007, 11:58:39 AM »

Make no mistake she is over for dinner at least 3-4 times a week,calls me every night, lets me know her itinery for the week, we handle her home repairs and all that. But she lives independantly and allows us our lives and lives her own. I cannot concieve of allowing a parent who is hale and hearty control my life at 44 years old.
Stella

this reminds me of my mom.  every weekend, i get a call from her to tell me her work schedule, her social schedule, dr's appt's etc, etc, etc.  she also drives to my house to help me do house repairs, regardless of the fact i live 350 miles away ha ha.   don'tcha love moms?  on another note, some mom's can never let go of their sons.  this might be one of those families.  just a thought.
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steffanie in atlanta

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dohertyswissy
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« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2007, 12:22:20 PM »

Oh Heather - this sucks!

I have a bad case of PMS so please keep that is mind while reading this....lol

I hate to say it, but I also see several red flags flying here.

1) saying "yes" in your presence until a computer is available to email you "no"

2) appears to be a mama's boy. There is NO rationalizing with a mama's boy. Now I cant imagine how horrible it was for his mom (and him) to lose his dad... and I really feel for them, I really do! I admire him for taking care of his mom... but there comes a point where mom can take care of herself... I am wondering if this is all an excuse to cover the fact he has always been a mama's boy.

3)The whole keeping everything "spotless" could be an obessive red flag...lol (PMS is kicking back in!)

Dang I am getting fired up over this... I just hate to see the lack of consideration and respect for you and your feelings!

I hope you are able to resolve all this with the guy, one way or the other!

Hang in there and be strong, girl!  Smiley

Rachel

* modified to ask - does he have any siblings? *
 

Girl.. I am with you on the PMS thing which is why I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going nutty!  :-)

1.)  He still has said that Ranger can definitely come, but laid out the whole keeping the house nice and clean thing, which I kind of took as an insult.  I mean SERIOUSLY!!!!

2.)  He does have 2 other siblings, both married with kids, and essentially leave him to take care of her.  Well, one is out of state, so that doesn't count. As far as her stability, I would say that she doesn't have any.  I've said it before.. she has to choose to move forward, not give up on life.  ARGH!

I just love, love, love Ranger and my feelngs matter too over here!!

An ironic thing just happened though.  In my tirade back to him, I mentioned the pug that he and his ol college roommate had, to make a comparison.  His old roommate and his wife have kept Rutabega and he visits her almost weekly.  Well, he just sent me an email saying that he was going to say goodbye to Ruttie because she is in her last hours of life.  :-(
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schelmischekitty
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« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2007, 12:25:47 PM »

that's sad.  sorry to hear that. 
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steffanie in atlanta

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« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2007, 12:51:34 PM »

Just wanted to put my two cents in...
I've been divorced twice and am now happly married at 43 years.  I have a great marriage and have made a wonderful choice for a number of reasons.  A few:
1) maturity  2)Deciding to not make a 3rd mistake  3)Honesty...very direct honesty.

My husband brought it up first (in the first week we met)....  he told me what he wanted out of life, a life partner (and what he didn't), views on parenting and the lack of, etc., just about everything that's so very important when deciding who you want to grow old with.  Talk about speed dating!!  It was a ... "here I am and who I am" conversation.

Bottom line: we were both too old and tired of putting up with games, etc.  We layed it on the line, knowing that if one of us didn't like something about the other, then no loss and we'd go our seperate ways. 
This worked great, because after one week of "getting" to know him, that 8 hr conversation was a turning point and things only got better..... honesty, what is there to lose (just a guy who doesn't respect your choices and your happiness)... especially when you and your families' happiness is at stake???!!
My dogs and kids did't go everywhere with me before I remarried, but vacations were schecduled to include them and he knew that about me and he understood, because of his son and his "motorcycles". 
I truly believe that you love the people you meet because of who they are and the pets, children, motorcyles, photography, etc. have created who they are... take those away and you take away/change the one you love!!
Didn't mean to steal your thread... just my thoughts cuz I've been there.
Good Luck!! 
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« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2007, 01:47:53 PM »

I know I don't post regularly on this board, but I just had to put in my two cents as someone who has also been there and bought into the "he'll change after we get married" NOT!!!!!!!!!! The only changes that typically happen are for the worse, so if he already has problems with Ranger, they are likely to get worse as time goes by and will probably spill over into other areas of your relationship. I am married for the second time and have a wonderful husband who respects who I am as I do him. If that is not a mutual feeling, then one of you is in for a lot of trouble. I know it is hard to run from a relationship that is semi-OK, but better to run now than when he is more firmly entrenched in you life like I did with my first husband. Good luck and I hope things work out, just please be very careful for yours and Rangers sake.
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Winslow 151
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« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2007, 02:27:46 PM »

Hi,

Male perspective here, going through Divorce # 2, Second wife wanted the dog, house and camper, we got that then she just decided to walk. So now I have the dog, (best part of the whole marriage) house and camper.

Heather just lay the line down no ranger no visit, see what he says then you make your decision. He either wants you and all you offer or he wants mom the beach house and a girlfriend on his terms.

It stinks but you will know quickly if he may be the one, or just the one at the moment.

Rich
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marypyrs
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« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2007, 02:36:38 PM »

I sent a response. But it does not seem to have been brought through. Angry So here I go. Again. OK? I'm the Mom of two fully grown sons. Raised them on my own from their ages of 5 and 7. I took great care that they grew up with values and minds of their own. To this day, I respect their individual personalities. And those of their chosen Life Partners. They, in return, respect me and mine. I love my DIL's. They are welcomed here at ANY time. With all their Fur Babies as well.

I can not imagine that your BP beautiful! GSMD would not be welcomed into this home

I think, perhaps, you should take a long, hard, look at this relationship. Can you sit down with him for an in depth discussion?

Today your B.P. Tomorrow, perhaps your Child. Take Care.
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TannerW
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« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2007, 02:50:10 PM »

There's definitely room for compromise here.

I think Jenn's last paragraph is spot on.  Hopefully there's a place nearby that you could stay with Ranger.  Perhaps even have Ranger tied up next to the beach house while you're working on it, so mommy dearest can interact with him on her own time, since she seems to be the real problem here.

And for everyone calling him a "Momma's Boy", don't be so sure.  Maybe he just has more integrity than to turn his back on family.  I'm in a similar situation (dead father, reliant mother), and believe me - sometimes it's easier to go through a little turbulence with the girlfriend than to face the wrath of a blood relative. 

Your boyfriend's probably just trying to find a good balance, but there's definitely a middle ground to be had.  You might have to do some convincing, but chances are he's been in this situation before and will listen.  Just don't close down the lines of communication on your end, unless you really want it to turn ugly.
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K9ldy00
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« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2007, 03:11:39 PM »

I would just take Ranger and go to the beach house. After all, he did say yes, that Ranger could come. Some people over worry and react and think of the worst case scenario. Maybe that is what he was doing??? I would go and see how the vacation comes off, sort of like a test run to see what he is all about. After all if it turns out badly , no loss in the long run.
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