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Author Topic: Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her...  (Read 5759 times)
Newly Newfed
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« on: February 19, 2009, 03:35:19 AM »

I have been having issues with Jeff's kids and ex-wife since Sunday.  It's never been this bad...I can't bring myself to even be in the same room as the girls.  It's to the point where I don't want them here anymore.  They obviously hate me.  I want them to go live with their precious mother.  They don't care who they hurt, just as long as their mother isn't hurt.  They haven't spoken to me since Sunday and I haven't spoken to them. Until this morning I was driving Kelsey, the 12 yr old, to school and tried to talk and work things out.  Let's just say it didn't go well as I had hoped.  I was in tears yet again by the end of the 10 minute drive and she couldn't care less that I was hurt and she blamed everything on me.  Even though the conversation brought up proof that her mother lied about her to me and Jeff, she still believes I am to blame for all of our problems.  She was perfectly fine with her mother lying and putting the blame on her and making her look bad to me and Jeff.

I calmed down on my way home and I was sitting on the couch just watching Sierra and Cody play and thinking about how things got so out of control and how I am going to be able to live in the same house as these girls that hate me.  Before I could stop myself, I just burst into tears again.

That's when my sweet, wonderful dog proved to me how much she loves me.  As soon as Sierra heard me sobbing, she stopped playing, climbed up on the couch, laid her head in my lap and looked up at me as if she was checking to see if her attempts to comfort me were working.  I could tell she was in an uncomfortable position.  Her back leg was down between the cushions and she kept fidgeting.  She sat up a few times and I thought she was going to leave, but she just licked the tears off of my face and laid right back down in that uncomfortable position.  She stayed with me and kept her head on my lap until I finally stopped crying and then she looked up as if to make sure I was ok, and then went back to playing with Cody.  Ever since, she has refused to let me walk around the house un-escorted.  Where ever I am in the house she just follows me and lays down and watches me.  I guess she wants to make sure she's there in case I break down again.  LOL.

Sometmes her intiuition, or senses or whatever it is, amazes me.  She knew just when I needed some comfort from her and she gave everything she had to offer.  I didn't think it was possible, but I fell in love my dog just a little bit more today.

Maniac Cody, of course, just jumped in my lap and kept waving his paws at my face and trying to nip my fingers, and just succeeded in annoying the he#$ out of me.
« Last Edit: February 19, 2009, 03:40:07 AM by Newly Newfed » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2009, 03:54:44 AM »

AWWW! Cry  I am so aorry all this is happening to you, but I kindof know just how you feel.  Someitmes I am so sick of not being able to do anything about Mikes 6 year old, that I just want to get up an run away as fast as I can.  I know that dealing with a 6 year boy old is nothing like teenage girls that aren't your own, but I can totally empathise.  Just remember that you love them, even when all you want to do is wring their necks (but you know you can't cause their not your kids).  My mom said it best I think, she told me when I was having a really hard time with Jack (whose deadbeat mother by the way walks on water to him, even though I'm the one who drives him to school, soccer, hockey, wherever, and am at ALL his games and practices, and am the one organising his b-day party, etc, and she does NOTHING).  Anyways, my mom told me that being a step mother is one of the most thankless jobs out there, but we stick with it for love of our man, and despite everything love of his kids.

Anyways, I don't know if this helps at all, but if you ever need to talk or vent one almost step mom to another, just PM me, and we can exchange ph#s or something.

Keep your chin up, nothing lasts forever, and soon their gonna be mad at their mom for something, and you're gonna be the one they come to.   Kiss Kiss Kiss
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« Reply #2 on: February 19, 2009, 04:08:10 AM »

Kids (especially teenagers) tend to believe their parent is not a louse even if they are. They usually don't really understand till they are on their own. My kids didn't want to believe their dad was a liar and a cheat but it was years later and they finally understood the whole thing. So hang in there it will no doubt take time for the real truth to come out and they must find out for themselves. Just hang on to your sweet pupper cuz it looks like she will be taking good care of you. Just can't beat dog therapy!! Bless her big heart!!
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« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2009, 05:54:07 AM »

That is awesome i can relate Bryce was my rock when my mom passed away last year! Even when i wasn't crying he just knew i needed cheering up he would come and lay his head on my lap and stare at me. He gave me more comfort them anyone. I am sorry that the teens are giving you a hard time hand in there and don't let them know they are getting to you. That is how they are controlling you.It will all work out! Marina
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« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2009, 07:21:18 AM »

I just want you to know yours in my thoughts and prayers!
And you've got a great girl there, so take some refuge in that, and keep your chin up, because things always get worse before they get better.
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« Reply #5 on: February 19, 2009, 08:04:47 AM »

awww i am so sorry to hear it..... I am only 27 but my husband is 34 and has two kids from his previous marriage too, so i am a stepmom too.

the girl is 12 and the boy is 11.!!!

Their mom is a real piece of work and is constantly doing things like refusing visitations and dragging us back to court for more money.

She has found all sorts of loop holes and uses them to mess with us.  The latest scheme she did was she has a step mom who runs a daycare and she got a receipt book (like the ones you use at garage sales) and filled it out to provide proof for a year of child care from back in 2004!!! because of the divorce dicree my hubby has to pay 50 % of child care too and even though it was fraud (even the kids say they never went to ANY care facility) and the judge even said it was obvious she hadnt just come across the receipts (they were all written with the same pen, handwritting, and the receipt #s were in sequential order) he said he had to grant it and were are being forced to pay 10,000 in "back-child care" now too...

I am constantly put down by the kid's mom and her boyfriend.... we are harrassed endlessly... she made me so miserable a while ago i had the worst anxiety attack yet and thought i was having a heart attack had to go to the er and then they put me on xanax.....

I wish i could give you some advice but my prob is the ex moreso than the kids, so you definitely got it tougher because to some extent i can walk away from her and i know you cant really with the kids... 

I hate mysellf for it but i constantly find myself wishing they werent there and getting mad at them so i have to stay away for a while at times because i know its totally misplaced anger....

my only savior is "veli" she keeps me sane.....she does the whole bodyguard thing too!!!

keep your head up my thoughts are definitely with you

Steph and "veli"
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« Reply #6 on: February 19, 2009, 09:08:33 AM »

Steps are a sticky situation.  I had 2 myself once and I always got blamed for their issues and got it from both the mother and the grandmother.  I had to force their father to be more active in their lives, especially when they were over on his weekends. I would get up before anyone was awake and go to work for 10 hours or so.  he had no choice but to be home with them or take them with him. He would leave them with me while he went fishing or visiting and i was supposed to entertain them...NOT discipline them.  That was per the grandmother.  I was told they were my kids (meaning for fun stuff) and when I punished them for bad behavior in MY house I was told they weren't my kids.
Needless to say, I ended up acting like they weren't my kids just to shut up the grandmother and pretended they didn't exist when they were over.  we didn't speak for 1 1/2 years before I filed for divorce. 
A healthy situation would be if all the mothers and fathers would teach their kids not to play the step against the parents.  Not many people do that anymore.
I'm glad you  have your pup to clear your head and make you feel good in the middle of all the stress. 
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« Reply #7 on: February 19, 2009, 02:33:46 PM »

I'm so glad that she was there with you during your venting session. Tears & dogs making you better go so well together. Hang in there & I hope things get better soon!
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« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2009, 06:15:57 AM »

Jeff doesn't want the girls to think that they don't have to listen to me or respect me.  If he jumps in to defend me all the time then he's fighting my battles for me and that doesn't gain any respect for me from the girls.  He usually lets me deal with the them when there is an issue between us.  He wants the girls to respect me because of the relationship I have with them, not just because he stepped in and told them they have to.  As it is, they blow off anything I say or ask them to do until Jeff tells them.  Unfortunately that just reinforces that they only have to listen to their father.

He does intervene when it gets bad, and he did last night.  I broke down again while I was talking to him and I told him I give up and they win.  He sat us all down to talk right then and there.  Not that I think the talk did any good at all.  We are all on speaking terms with each other, but I'm still tense around them.  Maybe I just need some time.  I need to learn to trust them again.

Of course I have their mother working against me too.  She regularly refers to me as the nanny in general conversation with the girls and she admitted that to my face on Sunday when I had it out with her.  She has also admitted that since she only sees me as a nanny, she has told the girls that if I discipline them, it means nothing and that I have nerve asking them to do chores around the house.  Jeff has made it clear that she has no say over the rules in our house, but the girls don't seem to care.  After all, they have their mother teling them what they want to hear.  The mother that doesn't have do do the dirty work of disciplining them or dealing with issues...she can concentrate on the fun stuff - taking them out to eat, shopping sprees, to the movies...  the only responsibility she has is taking Kelsey to church school once a week.  She has the luxury of being able to focuse on being their best friend and giving them what they want.  Then they have me and Jeff telling them what they DON'T want to hear.  That they have chores and responsibiliti es around the house, we are the only disciplinarian s and the general all around bad guys.  Maria has even joked to Jeff that she likes being the favorite parent.  Except it wasn't a joke.

She has a certain amount of control over me being as Jeff and I are not married yet, and she uses it constantly.  She has had a sit down with her lawyer to discuss what I have rights to what I don't have rights to and what rights I will have a legal step-parent.  She seems to think I beat the girls and is always threatening to have me arrested for child abuse if I ever lay a hand on either one.  She has even gone so far as to put a note in the kids' doctor's office that I am not to brring them in for appointments.  Jeff put a stop to that right away.  she's so focused on showing her superiority over me that she is willing to risk her kids health and well-being!  She abuses them emotionally when they dare make a decion for themselves and she turns things around on them to make them look bad and herself look better.  And yet they love for it.

I just don't get it.
« Last Edit: February 20, 2009, 06:29:57 AM by Newly Newfed » Logged

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« Reply #9 on: February 20, 2009, 07:45:51 AM »

I can survive it if I give up on being a part of the girls lives which has issues in a whole different direction, because I'm not going to be a chauffeur and maid to kids I have no part of, yet, I won't let that burden fall on Jeff's shoulder's again.  So I feel like I'm stuck there. 

I am more willing to just give up than fight with them about it.  If it gets to the point where Jeff feels he has to choose, I'm afraid he will choose them.  His kids are the single most important thing in his life.  And to be honest, I don't know if I could live with it if he ever chose me over them.  They get no parenting from their mother, I'd be racked with guilt if I was the reason they lost the one parent who actually does care about them.  And if they choose to move out because of me, will Jeff end up resenting me for it?  He'd be worried sick about them living with her.  She didn't want them to begin with.  When she left him she told him to keep the kids.

I think he is too lenient with them sometimes.  That is one thing he and I have an issue about.  It all started because in less than a year, he almost died, she started an affair while he was still in the hospital in a coma and then their mother left.  The kids went through he**.  She blamed her son for Jeff's accident, she told Kelsey that if it wasn't for her wanting to go to the bookstore she never would have met the slimeball she cheated with...what mother puts that on a 9 year old's shoulders?  So Kelsey fell into a depression thinking she caused her parent's divorce.  So Jeff became very lax with the rules during the divorce and now, 4 yrs later, things just never changed.

At least I can count on Jeff's son.  He has told his sisters they are stupid and that I have been more of a mother to them than their real mother.  He is always yelling at them when they disrespect me and he is always defending me to them.  He's a good kid   Cheesy
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« Reply #10 on: February 20, 2009, 09:09:02 AM »

I just have to say every time Stella posts I feel empowered!! YOU GO GIRL!!!
The truth hurts and it will probably be a rough road ahead and they will probably not like you but they will learn to appreciate pretty darn quick the things that they take for granted right now. Especially YOU!!! You are no door mat and donít deserve there abuse. I can not speak form any kind of experience only that you deserve better as a human and as a part of the family. They are old enough to realize that your feelings are being hurt and they are playing on that to get there way.... unacceptable!
Stand up for your self you will see!
Good luck....and sending big courageous hugs your way.... YOU CAN DO IT!!!
Lots of Love
Adrienne
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« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2009, 10:55:05 AM »

Thanks everybody for kicking me in the butt and knocking some sense into my thick head.  Especially Stella...  Cheesy

I know the vast majority of the disrespect comes from their mother encouraging them to be that way towards me, but they are playing me.  They know what buttons to push to set me off and they know how to manipulate me.  In my desire to have them like me, I let them do it, and I've known they've been doing it all along.

You know the saying you have to hit bottom before you can climb back up?  Well, maybe this incident is the bottom.  I hit bottom with my mother back in July, sent her a long email telling her exactly what I've thought about her for years and expected to never hear from her again.  The exact opposit happened - our relationship now is the best it's been in almost 20 years. 

You're all absolutely right.  This is MY home, MY upcoming marriage, and mine and Jeff's rules.  Why in the world am I letting two kids dictate my life?  He rarely disagrees with any rule or form of discipline I hand down, so I'm just going to go with it.  I know he'll tell me if he disagrees.

I think I invested too much emotion and hope into the girls.  Jeff doesn't want any more kids and he told me that early on in our relationship to be fair to me in case I wanted out.  I chose him over kids because I could be a stepmom to his kids.  I don't regret my decision, but I guess I expected too much or I was just unrealistic about them.  I had these visions of the future where we are such a big happy family and they have as great a relationship with me as I had with my step-mom (who I refer to as "MOM"), and maybe I was trying too hard to make that happen.  Things have changed now.  I'm going to concentrate on me and Jeff.  Katie will be leaving for college soon and our relationship will probably improve once we don't live together.  Then there's just Kelsey to contend with.  If it's any consolation, she doesn't single me out with her disrespect.  Everybody gets it - Jeff, her siblings, grandparents, even her mother.  LOL
« Last Edit: February 20, 2009, 10:55:55 AM by Newly Newfed » Logged

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Sierra-Newfoundland
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« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2009, 06:02:06 AM »

A lot of people have been telling me that they will eventually see the truth.  I guess it's just taking me longer to realize it.  I didn't go through those stages with my step-mother.  I knew I was lucky to have her from the minute I met her and that has never changed.  My sister never liked her and even now, 24 years later, they have settled at the point where they are friendly to each other at family gatherings, but they don't particularly like each other and I know, at least on my sister's end, there is zero respect for my step-mom.  I really don't want that to happen in my case.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about everything everyone has said - Jeff, the girls, my friends, and all of you.  I've always wanted kids and will never have one of my own.  And seriously, I am still comfortable with my decision.  As I said before I had unrealistic visions of what would become of my future and the family I was joining and when it didn't go the way I planned, I think I pushed to hard for it.  I'm not making excuses for the girls and I still have my trust issues with them, but I think my expectations not coming true had a lot to do with my meltdown too.  I just saw everything falling apart before my eyes - all the things that will happen in their lives that I will never be a part of - their weddings, their kids, stuff like that.

I went from having a cat and all the freedom in the world before I met Jeff and then suddenly, I'm part of a five person family and overnight my life is scheduled around cheerleading, doctor's appointments, picking them up from the bus, dinner times, and I will always have to take a back seat to the person who does the LEAST for them in their lives.  It's frustrating to know that is what's ahead of me when I feel I deserve more, even if I wasn't the one who gave birth to them.

I think about all of the things I won't get to do with kids that I helped raise, and that I won't have my own to do them with.  And yet, when I look at Jeff, I can't imagine how I would ever be able to be without him and having him love me is worth the sacrifice.  Honestly, my experience with the girls over the last 3 years has made me doubt the whole "kids are wonderful" speech.  LOL.  I'm a firm believer that everything that happens in your life happens for a reason and it is meant to be.  God has a plan and he doesn't make mistakes.  I have to learn to trust in that.

Thank you all for letting me ramble on and on and on and for helping me work through my feelings for the las tfew days.  I titled this post Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without Sierra but maybe I shoud have titled it "Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without BPO"!!  I still find it amazing sometimes that a group of virtual strangers can be so caring.  It's good to know we have each other's backs.   Smiley
« Last Edit: February 21, 2009, 04:07:12 PM by Newly Newfed » Logged

Dogs are not our whole lives, but they make our lives whole - Roger Caras

Sierra-Newfoundland
Cody-Papillon
Oscar, Gina- Cats
Roxy-Ferret
Peaches, Sean, Thunderbolt, Chablis, Lucky, Miracle, Ivy, Riley-Whitetail Deer
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