Broken-hearted - The "joys" of a breakup...just need to get it out...

[dohertyswissy]

Last night everything came to a head with me and my BF of 15 months.  While making a simple relationship request (Hey - don't fly out a day early for your business trip to Phoenix and stay here and watch the Super Bowl with me.  You'll be with those joker all week), my BF blew up at me, to the point that I was scared and threw him out of my house.  Ranger was even standing in between the 2 of us and actually jumped up to push the BF out of the way.  It certainly didn't get physical, but the yelling and such was enough for me.

I realize that this anger really has nothing to do with me... I certainly have never done anything to necessitate it. 

About 30 seconds after he left, he called to apologize...st ated that he had overreacted.  I was extremely calm.  I told him that it didn't matter how I asked for things I needed out of the relationship, I always got the same angry defensive response.  That this was the proverbial straw and that I did not deserve that response and that I would not allow myself to be treated in that manner.  He simply can't make that turn from being single (not in the I want to date a lot of girls, but I don't want to give up doing whatever in the heck I want to do without regards with you).

I went onto say that I deserved to be loved and adored.  I stated that he acted like he didn't want to be in this relationship.  He told me that he loved and adored me, but that he didn't "know" what he wanted.  To me, that spoke volumes.  If you don't "know," then you don't.  He said that the only way that we had any possibility of moving forward together, is that if we took a "break."  I asked what that meant for him... do we talk?  See each other?  Can I see other people?  I went onto say, that I didn't want to get any s**t if I decide to give him the time of day if he came back and wanted to "work it out."  He stated that he'd have to deal with whatever I did. 

Part of me is sad and hurt, because I love him.  The other part of me actually think that this is a good idea.  I need to figure out too.

Looking for thoughts, opinions, and breakup-survival ideas...         

[London_Pyr_Lover]

You know that song "Breaking Up is Hard to Do"?  It's a stupid song and I don't know why I though of it.  If he get's yelly like that, and doesn't know what he "wants", and parties like he's single when he's with his buddies, then I'd say you deserve 100 times better.  It sounds harsh and mean I know.  I went through the same thing about 3 years ago, I was so completely in love that I ignored all the little things that had been piling up for the better part of 3 years, that all my friends told me I should dump his @$$ for, and it took just one moment of clarity and personal strength for me to say "that's enough".  'Cause no matter how much you love them, if they aren't returning 100% of what you give to them they don't deserve you.  We did the break up and get back together thing for a long time, and it hurt so much worse every single time.  Cut your ties girl, don't talk to him any more, get your own life in order, figure out who YOU are before becoming a couple again.  It may take a while, I'e been single for going on 4 years now, but I'm getting my life in order, I'm going to school, and making myself happy before trying to make someone else happy.  Those are my thoughts on the matter.  Sorry if I rambled a bit (or alot   ).  I know you'll do fine, after all, you've got Ranger there for support.    

Good luck!!    *BIG HUG*

[Scootergirl]

Well, first of all congratulation s to you for realizing when it was time to get out - or at least step back - before it was too late. You are a very strong person and I wish I had your insight and guts when I was in similar relationships several times in my past.

Now, take some time for yourself to treat yourself right, re-evaluate and don't settle for anything less than someone who treats you with respect and dignity every day.

We love you!

[Icerotti]

Awww Heather I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I really don't think I could add to the fab advice the others have given you. You are a fantastic person and only deserve the best. Stay strong girl ((((HUG)))

[mynameislola]

Look at the bright side and what you got out of the relationship.  Now you know what it is like to live with a two-year-old.  :p

Ditto the mac n cheese.  If you want to get fancy, toss in a small can of tuna or a chopped up hot dog.  I ate out of cans and boxes for months after dumping hubby #1.  He thought that I was unreasonable for wanting things like electricity, running water and interior walls.

[GrumpyBunny]

Heather, I'm sorry that happened.  Breaking up sucks whether you know it was for the best or not.  I am going through something similar right now, and I think you just have to get through it one day at a time.  You have to keep knowing that you did the right thing, even if the right thing feels really crappy right now.  It's not going to feel like this forever, no matter how it may seem.  It is definitely better to be alone than to be with the wrong person, even if it is hard to remember that when you are going through the being alone part.  And you aren't really alone - we are all here for you, any time you need us.

I am so in awe of you for telling him that you deserve to be loved and adored.  That is so true, and so wise of you to be able to articulate to him.  I think we all get in relationships where we settle for less (I think my picture is in the dictionary next to this one), and you are my idol for being able to say "enough".  I have a hard time with that one, and only recently learned (very painfully) how to say it.  Stay strong.  You do deserve better and it is worth how ever long it takes to find it.   

I also support the macaroni and cheese.  But if you get to the point where you are eating cake frosting straight out of the can with a spoon, please call me.  I will talk you down.  Us single girls with Roo dogs have got to have each others backs!

[dohertyswissy]

All I have to say is the outpouring of support from you guys literally got me through the day...seriousl y.  Everytime I thought about breaking down and calling him...or thinking I had screwed up, I read your responses. 

Then, my sweet best friend (who is due with my niece in March) and her hubby invited me over for a "pajama party."  They gave me all the wine I could handle and her hubby made me a plate of all these yummy hors d'ouvres that they served at a wedding shower earlier in the day.  I think I downed 6 eclairs, easy.  We settled in and watched "Cashmere Mafia," which I L-O-V-E.  I'd already seen all the episodes, but it gave me just the right kick of girl power (sorry for the cheesy Spice Girls reference) that I needed to make it through the night.

He didn't call like he said he would, but more importantly..I didn't call him.  That was certainly a feat in itself.  Brad, my best friend's hubby, made a good point though.  He said, "Heather, I don't think it is that he doesn't want to talk to you.  In fact, I'm pretty damn sure he does, but what is he gonna say?  Sorry I went psycho on you for no good reason and I still don't have a clue what I want?  In this case, that s**t just doesn't cut it.  The fact that he didn't call you is probably better off in the long run.  What you need to prepare yourself for is when he realizes that he has made the biggest f-up of his life and starts to grovel.  Take this time to figure out what YOU want...forget about him and what he wants.  You've been doing that for entirely too long."

The man has a point.

Well, I made it through Day #1, with my dignity in tact.  It certainly wasn't easy.  I've been an emotional roller coaster all day.

Day #1 is always the hardest though, right?  Each day has to get better from here?

I do have a can of Rainbow Chip frosting chilling in the refrigerator just in case of emergency  .

[navarre1316]

WooHoo, day 1 down!!!  Sounds like you have some awesome friends there, and I agree with the hubby and someone else said it too.  Take this time to find out about you.  Yeah, it sounds corny but I think everyone, male or female, should do it.  I've decided that I will meet Mr. Right when I'm right!!  I don't need the crap of a Mr. Right Now!!  I know far too many people who go from guy to guy and I can't help thinking that they are never going to find what they need in any of those relationships.  Never feel bad about standing up for yourself, good for you!!!  If you feel the urge to call him, pick up the phone and call someone else, anyone else!! 

I was reading your post and I thought "oh, deja-vu"!!  I broke up with someone, only to take him back, and do it all over again.  He wasn't a bad guy, just not my good guy!!  The last time, he's bawling, yes bawling, on the bed and I almost started to say, "ok...."  and a voice in my head said "you stupid bi@#h, get out now! he is who he is"  and that was it.  As kids we always heard, don't settle; why didn't we ever listen?!?!?!?  Chin up!
 

[Ali]

Heather, Congrats on making it through day one, and yay for having friends to jump in and ply you with wine and eclairs! Seriously, the outburts of anger are a major red flag. ESPECIALLY if he's done it before. Try to remember that it doesn't matter how nice and sweet and cute he is when he's not mad, because that hair-trigger temper poisons the whole package. It doesn't matter how sorry he is, or how pathetic he is when he crawls back. Let is stay OVER. That kind of outburt is NOT normal and not appropriate, as you obviously know since you kicked him to the curb. Leave him there! It soooo sucks when you realize that your knight in shining armor is a big ol' toad. You are doing the right thing, as much as it hurts. I married a guy just like that, but he had only "exploded" once before we married, so I just KNEW it would never happen again. HAH! We are sooooo divorced now. It lasted 4 years, and I was really unhappy pretty much the whole time. I knew I had made a big mistake. Stay on your course and let him go. He has issues that you shouldn't have to be saddled with. There are lots of guys out there that would give up an arm to watch the Superbowl with you, and will bring you flowers on your one year anniversary.

[London_Pyr_Lover]

Yay!    Good for you for making past that one day mark!  That one's a toughy!  Just remember to treat it like an addiction, but it's not to any drugs, or gambling, it's an addiction to this guy.  And you have triggers that might set you off, like taking a certain route to work, or walking a path that the two of you walked together, or certain movies that you've seen or even wanted to see with him.  Certain dates might be bad, like his birthday, or what would have been your anniversary (after the first one has past you don't even really notice them anymore  ).  You just gotta avoid those triggers and make it through those things, without calling, but don't worry, 'cause you've got us, and Ranger too!  We'll talk you down.  And your girlfriends hubby, he sounds like a really smart guy to me, I'd listen to what he has to say, after all who better to listen to about the behaviour of a man, then another man.    Especially when he does have your best interest at heart. 

BIG HUG!   

[GoldenPyrs]

I think that it's wonderful that even in the midst of the fray with him yelling at you that you were able to think clearly enough to stand up for yourself.  Great job!!  The calling you 30 seconds later to apologise thing is classic for people with anger control issues, so it's great that you recognised that and held your ground.  You deserve much, much, much better than that and sadly the yelling in your face thing is generally just the beginning for controlling, abusive people.  I remember once years ago hearing someone on TV say that when "people tell you what they are, believe them" and I've found that it's so true.  I once had a friend that kept saying that she wasn't a very nice person, but of course I would argue with her that she was a nice person (I just thought that she was insecure).    Well, it turned out that she was right!  You would not have believed the things that she did to her husband.  She was unbelievable cruel to him, so once I saw what kind of person she really was our friendship did not last.  I've learned to listen to how people in my life treat others (not just what they say, but what they DO) and make my decisions about them accordingly.  Please don't settle for anything less than someone that shows you respect, love & adoration.  You deserve that and more!  (hugs)

[mynameislola]

Cake frosting?  Where are you guys from?  It is all about the canned pie filling with soup spoons here.

[jabear]

Way to be strong Heather! I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this but hang in there and know that you are making the right decisions for you. And, when you think of calling him remember this, love isn't supposed to hurt that much.

[Nicole]

Oh Heather! I'm sorry I missed this!!!!

Well, I'm sorry that you are going through this, but it sounds like it is truly for the best. You don't need someone that doesn't know how to commit and treat you right.

Relationships are all about give and take, but in this case, it sounds like it was just not worth it. Its such a great thing that you've got good friends to keep you going at this time!

[dohertyswissy]

Thanks so much again y'all!  

I almost went into a huge backslide this morning, but I re-read all of your responses and it helped me stay strong.  I put on my kick-a$$ "break" CD I made last night and have thrown myself into some tedious work I've been putting off.  I simply don't have it in me today to interact with my clients.  My usual wit and charm is on hiatus...