Got this in my e-mail today. It made me laugh out loud...
THE LESSER KNOWN COMMANDS
>
> Obedience training provides a wealth of information on the basic
> commands used to guide canine behavior. We all learn "sit" and "stay"
> and "down". But, as time goes on, you begin to make your own....
>
>
> "DON'T"
> For those of us who follow the "close enough is good enough" school
> of dog training, this command is indispensable. You can use it with
> any command, for example; "sit, sit, SIT, I SAID SIT ... or don't".
> Use of the powerful "or don't" command ensures that your dog is
> always following your orders - one way or the other.
>
> "SETTLE DOWN"
> Means stop whatever you're doing and do something - anything - else.
> this actually works. I have no idea how. The trick is to use it until
> the dog accidentally complies and then praise him for hours.
>
> "WHAT??"
> Means don't even think about growling/nipping/ignoring my commands!
> Do you think I'm STUPID? Do you think you're IN CHARGE? Do you
> suppose for one moment that you are not CANINE SCUM? For uppity dog
> behavior. Best used with a menacing voice and an alpha roll for
> emphasis.
>
> "IN YOUR DREAMS."
> A milder variation of the popular "WHAT??" command. For use when the
> dog is merely contemplating an evil deed.
>
> "SCOOT! or MOVE IT!"
> Move your body to anyplace other than where you are now
> standing/sitting. Strangely enough all dog learn this one quite
> easily. When they move, you shut up.
>
> "NO HUMPING!"
> Good for girl and boy dogs. Discourages unsightly and comical
> mounting of animate and inanimate objects. A variation which always
> makes the neighbors peek - "No humping your brother!"
>
> "STAY! FOR ALL ETERNITY!!"
> When stay is not enough. Like when the dishwasher is being loaded and
> your dog is sure you really do need help pre-washing the plates.
>
> "RIGHT NOW!" All marginally trained dogs need this command. It means
> you really, really, really would like them to comply - this time. As
> in: "Get in here, right NOW!"
>
> "I MEAN IT!"
> A variation on the Right NOW theme borrowed from those who have human
> children.
>
> GET OUTTA THERE! Trash / toilet / another dog's dish / a guest's
> crotch. A nice all-purpose command.
>
> "UPSTAIRS/DOWNSTAIRS"
> Dominant dogs will rush ahead - and trip you. Submissive dogs will
> pause on the steps to let you pass - and trip you. Uncertain dogs will
> heel all the way down - and trip you nonetheless. If you make them go
> up or down ahead of you, you have a fighting chance.
>
> "DON'T PEE ON THAT!"
> For some reason this command is always spoken too late.
>
> "WHO FARTED?" A futile command that elicits a benign, clueless
> expression.
