i sooooooooooooooo need parenting advice!

[schelmischekitty]

ok, so since i don't know anyone with kids the same age, i've got to ask someone, because all the advice from my parents and inlaws, isn't working!  i have a 1 year old and a 3 year old, my 3 year old is HORRIBLE!  he's always breaks things on purpose, etc, and his worst habit is painting things with sh*t!  i don't know what to do, he only does it when he's in his room, no matter if it's just for 10 minutes or an hour for a nap.  i put him down for a nap when he's dozing off, or his eyes are red and his eye lids are purple, so i know it's not that he's not tired. it drives me absolutely bonkers, i'm having a hard time potty training him, he goes pee great, but refuses to tell me when he's got to pee or poop.  i can take him in there every 10 minutes, but he just won't go along with the idea!  i heard the "painting" might  be because he feels the need to do "art" so i got him a drawing board where the thing ONLY write on that board, but it doesn't help.  PLEASE HELP ME!

[LibbyP]

Is he in underwear or diaper? I have a daughter 4.5yrs (it took us three tries for her to finally 'get' it at 2.5) she just wasn't ready. Now my son who is going to be 3 at the end of Jan was a breeze at 2 he just deceided (after watching his sister and all of us go) I know that's not what you want to hear but the second is waaaay easier. Daughter we used to put her on every 10 min as well, until we realized that she could hold it for hours, yes there were accidents, be patient every kid is different if he sees you getting all stressed and bent out shape it's not going to help him(it'll set him back) now my son from a very early age liked to take off his clothes and diaper at nap time, we learned to put his clothes/pjs on backwards, he still sleeps overnight in a goodnight(sometimes at night he'll wake up and sometimes he won't). Maybe he's just not ready, theres no rush, don't let your family/friends pressure you or him into something he's not ready for, I'm sure you've tried special snacks, stickers, treats, frootloops/cheerios. If I can help out any just let me know, good luck ~Kim

[schelmischekitty]

we've tried diapers and underwear, and he's been going "potty" with me and hubby since day one, at first it was because i was nervous to leave him alone then it was because he got into too much trouble, now it's a futile attempt to get him to go potty!  we don't put him in the room with underwear on, i know that's asking for trouble!  our FIL is telling us to put one wrap of tape around the top to make him keep it on, but i don't like that idea (i can just imagine the tape rash, not to mention i can just SEE DHS getting called on me for that).  i've tried treat, awards, and the all mighty hysterical praise.  nothing.  he thinks is too funny when he poops in his diaper or in his room (brandon gags) and has gone to such lengths to make us gag that he now pees in his own face to make us borderline puke.  i understand it's "funny" (the faces we make) but i just can't get him to understand it's nasty!

[LibbyP]

Okay, you put him for nap or bedtime in a diaper, turn his clothes backwards(one piece outfits for now)with buttons or zipper that he can't get off to pull his diaper off. By what you have said IMO he is not ready, you either have to go cold turkey with underwear(does he mind being dirty and wet?) or you have to go back to diapers for awhile. Has he gone to the store to pick out his 'own' special big boy underwear?

[schelmischekitty]

he doesn't mind being wet, and he doesn't necessarily mind poop.  he'll occasionally come up to me and tell me he "pooped" but not until after the fact.  we let him pick out his "scooby" undies, but that didn't help, so we are in diapers again, and have been for a while. 

[Winslow 151]

Hi,

I don't want to offend but have you taken him in for psychiatric evaluation, something is not right. If he is purposely breaking things and from what you say, seems to take some kind of pleasure in these actionsI would fear this is not just a parenting issue but maybe some underlying cause, is he verbal? It might be time for some professional help to stop a problem that may only get worse.

Now you are his parents and I am not suggesting a diagnosis from 2 board postings but they do sounds some alarms that suggest seeking profesional counseling.

[schelmischekitty]

we took him to our dr (we have to get a referral to a specialist) who just said it's a phase and he'll outgrow it.  honestly, i just use the excuse "i think he has ADHD" but our dr doesn't agree.

[Winslow 151]

Hi,

Your primary has no right to NOT give you a referral. Tell the primary doctor, phase or no phase, you are concerned for your childs health and that you insist he give you a refferal to a child psychologist, or you'll report his neglect of your wishes to the HMO provider. The primary doctor is doing you no favor if he thinks he is saving you a few dollars on a specialist visit. For your's and your families sake get a referral, it certainly will not hurt anything.

[LibbyP]

Does he mind showers? Every time in the beginning if they went (on purpose) they had a shower right after which they didn't like at the time. I personally would leave it alone for a month or two or three and try again,warmer weather is better(sorry didn't look where you were from), and once you start down the right path, you cannot go anywhere for weeks you'll be home bound, as you can't confuse put a diaper on to go out but underwear at home, have you tried putting your little one on the potty? Do you use a potty or just the big toilet? Oh and a helpful tip while cleaning up poop, put some vicks under your nose that helps ~ alot, what do you do when he does this? Time out? Help you clean up? Take something at he REALLY likes ie: toy for a week or two.

[schelmischekitty]

because we are military, we do have to have a referral, because we see military doctors.  we can request a new doctor, which i am in the process of doing now, but we cannot just skip him, we have to do it in steps.  it's not saving us anything, because we don't pay for our visits, etc, it's just waiting on everything to fall into place, getting a dr who supports us, etc.  aiden loves showers, which is why we have started using wipes for a majority of stuff, because for a while he did it JUST to get another shower (we were up to 4 a day for a while)  we never go anywhere, typically, so staying home to do it is nothing hard.  we use the big boy potty, because he will not even pee in the little ones.  he likes the flush.  when aiden "acts" with peeing, i pop his butt, tell him "NO" and keep doing what needs to be done.  afterwards, he goes to his room for time out, or has to go to the corner.  hubby on the other hand, gags just from the thought of cleaning poop and pee.  i don't even think it's the smell that gets him, just the thought.  taking toys away doesn't phase him, after five minutes he completely forgets, and doesn't think of it again, unless i put it in plain sight where he can't reach it and then he just sits there and screams.  literally, until it's out of sight.  after that, out of sight out of mind, he completely forgets after 5 minutes.

[princessnmi]

Being a foster parent I completely understand your frustration. However I am in a completely different situation as all of the kids that we deal with are coming from abusive, or neglectful situations, many of the kids I work with have been sexually abused, have some kind of "disability" wether it be drug addiction at birth, fetal alcohol syndrome, shaken baby syndrome etc. So a lot of times I see the problem that you are seeing caused by something else. However, my the 4 yr old that I just adopted came to us at 4 yrs old not potty trained. Now granted mentally he is very behind for his age. He also has fetal alcohol syndrome. Anyways he came to us in diapers refused to potty train. Finally I told him that we were out of diapers and that he had to go to the potty like a big boy. He also wants to go to preschool so I told him that he had to go potty like a big boy in order to do that. Peeing was easy for him, but I couldn't get him to poop on the potty. I finally started making a big deal about how gross it was that he was pooping in his pants and making him clean it up. Even if he pooped in his pull up or diaper at night HE had to clean it up. It took him cleaning it up twice before he was completely potty trained. It has been 6 weeks now and he hasn't had an accident in his pants and no longer wears diapers at night. As for the playing in his poop I have had several kids do this and the only thing that I have found that works is putting a diaper on them and a onsie or one piece outfit. Have you tried putting cheerios, or something like that in the toilet for him to aim at. Maybe putting something fun in there will make him want to aim. I have also seen that they make floating shapes to put in there but don't know where I saw them. Maybe try having a candy jar (we use m&ms and skittles) that is only for when he goes to the bathroom like a big boy. Good luck and just be patient I know that it is frustarting and sometimes you just want to lose it but hang in there.

[Stacey]

  I completely understand your frustration, been there-done that-got the tshirt. What Aiden is doing is NORMAL, it is not necessary to have him evaluated by a mental health specialist.Whe n Macey was potty training, she would do a lot of what you are describing (save the peeing in the face, but maybe if she had the aiming ability I would have suffered that too), she would "paint" her toys (several I had to throw away) she would pee in any toy that had a compartment.  I thought I would lose my mind. 
I do have to say, that, if you are intent on potty training--get rid of the diapers.  It is confusing for them to go from underwear to diapers.  You cannot tell him that between the hours of x oclock and x oclock you must use the potty but these hours you have permission to use your pants.  The hardest part of PT is consistency, but it is the most vital.  There is a book I got called "Potty Training in a Day", granted, it took us a couple of weeks but the advice is awesome.  It tells you to get a doll that pees and a potty (they make potty training dolls now with pottys) and to show the child with the doll how to potty, then you make your child show the doll how to potty and then they demonstrate on their own potty.  I took Macey out of the diapers completely and followed the book (which also suggests bribery/rewards), and like princessnmi said, if she made a mess, she cleaned it up.  If an accident occurs, take him to the potty and make him demonstrate with the doll and then follow the steps himself. 
I just want you to know, I do not know a single parent that hasn't had to deal with this in some way, shape or form.  It is just his way of expressing his frustration, gross as it may be.  Maybe you should give Aiden a week off, just let it go and let him relax and then give it another try.  It may very well be that he is just not completely ready.  I am a member of a parenting board as well that has a potty training forum.  If you are interested I can PM you the link.
Just know that you are not alone and there is nothing wrong with your little one.  PT takes a lot of time and patience, and there is going to be a LOT of cleanup along the way. 

[LibbyP]

Exactly, what I was saying earlier, you are not alone

[PennyK]

My daughter was potty trained at 3.  My son was 4.5 yrs old and I was SURE we wouldn't be allowed into kindergarten because he still wasn't potty trained.  I went back to diapers completely for awhile - not even thinking about potty training - didn't bring it up, didn't ask him to wear pull ups, nothing.  Then, about a month later I tried again and it was better but not great, so I went back to diapers for another few weeks.  Then we tried potty training again and it was like a light bulb went off.  I think he just wasn't menatlly mature enough when I tried earlier.

We understand your frustration girl!  Just relax - it will happen!!

[aggghgmom]

My daughter is 8 years old now and yes she is potty trained....fin ally!!  She is very strong willed and does things on her own terms.

I believe she was 3 years and about 4 or 5 months when she finally potty trained but people would ALWAYS ask her when are you going to go on the potty - her answer next Tuesday..then Tuesday would come and - NEXT tuesday well the right Tuesday finally came because she came downstairs on a Tuesday and said OK now I'm potty trained!!  And she was.  So it is a true that unfortunately they have the power to win this fight and they don't have that power very often as children and when he is ready he WILL potty train.  As far as the messes, fortunately I didn't have to deal with that so I can't help with it.