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BPO Off Topic Forum => Anything Non-Dog Related => : Pyr Heaven June 14, 2008, 04:36:26 PM
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Ok, I really just need to vent, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm not. Anyway....I think my boyfriend has anger issues.
For example, today we went to Costco (woohoo! I love that place!!), and we were bringing things in from the car, and the sleeve of his shirt got caught on a nail or something sticking out, and it put a small hole in it. I can understand being mad about this, but what does he do? Start cussing up a storm, and slamming things down on the counter, and banging his fist on the cupboards and throwing his shoes at the chairs, and basically acting like the most immature person ever.
And this is just an example of how he acts.
The other day Miles chewed a corner of one of his records (A TINY BIT), but it was brand new, and I didn't want him to yell at the dog, so I gave him the money to buy a new one (even though the record itself was fine, but he likes his records and cd's to be in tip top shape. I think he likes those more than he likes myself sometimes. ::))
Oh, and one time he had his laptop laying on the ground, and Miles accidentally stepped on it and broke a key off. Oh god, all He** broke loose. He was throwing things and pounding on the floor, and he even pushed the dog. I had to take Miles for a walk because he was freaking out so bad (my boyfriend, not Miles). This is the only time he has pushed him, because I told him he better not touch my dog again, or I'll be gone, but sometimes I wonder why I deal with this Sh**. I love him when he's normal, and doesn't get mad about things, but sometimes I really wonder if it's worth it. He knows he has anger issues, and all he says to me when I talk to him about it is, "I can't help it". And That's pretty much the end of it.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. I think I feel a bit better now. :) Thank you for listening. ;)
P.S. We've lived together for a year and a half, and we don't even talk about getting married, and having kids someday. Which is fine with me. I don't want to marry his angry a** some days. hahaha But at the same time, I can't imagine living without him. Confusing? I think so!!!
Ok, now I'm done. :)
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oh man.. jason can act the same way.. he gets mad if i ever ask for any money for myself apart from what we get for rose. one time angel jumped on him and got his shirt dirty and a slight tear in the back where he fell against her pen. i asked him if he hit her (if he did he'd have been out in a heartbeat) he swore he didnt but he did push her >:( .. he can stub his toe and he'll scream and cuss over it.. so i can relate.. men can be such babies sometimes haha
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This is going to sound like tough love, but I've had some personal experience with this (not a boyfriend, I would walk off based on my previous experience), and I have very little tolerance for this sort of behavior.
It's more a question of how angry do most men get about those little things and how do they show anger when they feel it.
Most men do not get that angry (or angry at all) over things that small. And when they happen to get that angry - over something much more important - they do not show it by acting out that way. Part of being grown up is behaving like an adult and not a 2-year-old.
He can help it. Another part of being grown up is taking responsiblity for one's actions and controling how we react. It may take work, but he can do it. To me, the fact that he says he can't control it is as big of a red flag as the behavior itself. If his behavior scares you (that you offered to buy another record to keep him from blowing up and that you and Miles had to leave the house would make me think so), you should seriously consider leaving if he does not change it ASAP.
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Samantha - He's not worth the effort. Believe me. Been there. Done that. NOT WORTH IT! Give yourself some credit. Take pride in who you are. YOU ARE STRONG! There's a whole other GOOD life out there. Get on with it.
I lived too many years as a 'battered wife' before the term was even known and before there was any help and before I finally stood up on my own. Get out'a there Samantha.
If there are so many anger issues now - just think how they could/will magnify.
I may be out of line - but I really don't give a darn. If I can make a difference in one small way I guess it's worth it. Eh?
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Thanks for your input guys. It's really hard because I'm the kind of person that doesn't have tolerance for being in situations that I'm in! I'd usually be like, "this is totally unacceptable, I'm done" But I'm willing to work on it with him. I mean, obviously, if he's not willing than I'm done, but I think I really need to sit him down and after he says, "I cant help it", I need to take the conversation further, and make him realize how serious I am about this. Because, really, I don't think he knows.
I don't think he'd ever touch me, and he's never gotten that angry about me or something I did, (thank god. I would've been gone a long time ago.) But what if we ever had children? I would hope to god he would never lay a hand on them, but I feel like if they broke something of his he would throw fits, ya know!?
I don't know. I just feel like it's not serious enough for me to just walk out. But at the same time I do. Kinda confusing me here!
Anyway, thanks again you guys!
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I wrote this BEFORE your last reply, but I thought I'd post it anyway...
I think it's a bit excessive to say "get out'a there" over a couple of hissy fits. Obviously it's an entirely different story if he ever shows behavior that suggests he might lay a hand on you or Miles - but I don't see pouting over a shirt and a broken laptop as THAT type of behavior. I think it means he's an immature guy who cares too much about his material things.
When he says "he can't help his anger", that's tough guy speak for "I DON'T KNOW HOW to handle my anger". Assuming this guy has other redemable characteristic s and you want to stay with him, I would suggest anger management classes.
He'll probably be prideful at first and say, "Oh, it's not a problem" or "It won't happen again." But if you sit him down and present it as an honest and genuine concern of yours, then he should take it seriously.
If not, THEN I'd say it's time to think about moving on - but I'm willing to bet the problem is something he's been dealing with longer than you've known him, and that it goes much deeper than you realize.
More than likely, it's also something that he won't be able to get over without the help of a professional.
Just my 2ยข.
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I totally ditto Tanner.
Aaron will sometimes get really upset if something of his gets ruined. He'll cuss and yell and I just look at him and calmly say, "it's only a THING." Things can be replaced, and you know what? S*it happens, and it's gonna happen over and over so let it go.
I agree that you should let him know just how much this is affecting you and your relationship. Tell him exactly how you feel - that you cherish him 90% of the time, but the 10% that acts like this frightens you and, if he can't see that he needs to learn how to manage his anger more effectively, then you aren't going to stick until it elevates.
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My 2 cents..
Maybe when he has these fits it really has nothing to do with the small stuff. Maybe theres a bigger problem that he does not know how to discuss or what to do about it?
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Folks,
This is a guy speakin if you can't tell by the name.
It happens. I say this having been married almost 12 years now and it just so happens for me it is a small way for me to vent and get it all out. By doing that, when we have "real" problems or issues and we need me, there is no reaction other than maybe a comment or two and getting the job done.
Everyone needs to vent like you did in writting this. Maybe get him on the site or a site that would allow him to express his "anger"
This is not an excuse for another "guy". Honestly, the way you discribe his actions and reactions to things, He needs Help or you need to leave.
When we got Snuggles, we constantly found shoes, laundry, toys, anything and everything was fair game for her. We learned and she learned that things needed to change.
I don't thing a "rolled up newspaper on his nose" will work.
If I leave something on the "floor" where people or pets walk then it is my fault and not theirs. If I get mad it is at myself for being "stupid". No other way to say that one.
Anyway if he gets that mad over the small stuff before you make a commitment to eachother..... ......
You need to really, really, really think about it before going that extra step.
Now you got my 2 cents and if you get 2 cents from everyone your making some money.
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If I leave something on the "floor" where people or pets walk then it is my fault and not theirs. If I get mad it is at myself for being "stupid". No other way to say that one.
Yes, pretty much everything he gets mad about (the computer or record for example), seems to be his own fault. And he knows it.
Now you got my 2 cents and if you get 2 cents from everyone your making some money.
And I love the way you think! hahaha ;)
Thanks for all the money everybody! You guys are great.
It's alot to think about. Since we've pretty much been together 3 years...and lived together half that, I don't feel like I can throw our relationship away because of this. After all your responses, I think I'm going to see how things go. Next time he acts out, I'm going to let him know that he CAN control it, and if he can't he needs some help. And if he's not willing to do that, I'm not willing to stick around. ;)
Once again, thanks alot you guys. I love BPO. ;D
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Now that I said that and you made your "money" I have to shamelessly do this.
visit my website and you can find it on my profile. You may find something your Dog Friend can enjoy without gettin at the "precious Records" I would recommend the Hurley and or the Huck. I wont put the site address that would be "TO MUCH"
Truely and Hopefully It all works out for you and If you Keep your eyes open The Right Things Always Present Themselves to Us We just have to Be Looking and Aware of Our Surroundings.
P.S. However if you like to "PAMPER UR PET" visit our "PALACE"
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Hmmm. So after some thought, and a few more episodes...and if I was asked, "Me or the dog?", I would choose the dog.
Is that bad?
hahaha.
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Do you think it's fair to any future children if you have to "hope" he never lays a hand on them if they did something to upset him. Shouldn't you know beyond any doubt that he wouldn't?
These are not the types of things you want to find out after the fact with you or your children. Heed the red flags.
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Hi,
Another male perspective. Approach him now don't wait for another outburst, because if you wait and confront him when he "reacts" you WILL get an angry response and he'll be UBER defensive.
When you are having one of your good moments, and hopefully you have plenty of them, That is the time to say you know what honey, we need to talk about your anger issues, then you can discuss and "not argue". You can even given him the choice to have that convesation then or within a day or 2. This way you give him sometime to think about it, let him know this is very important to you and for your relationship together.
You will have a much better result if you have the discussion at a neutral time and not in the heat of the moment!!
2 more cents for that bank!
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And if you do what Winslow's dad says, and wait till a good moment to bring it up, his response will tell you volumes. If he stays calm and talks to you, that's good. Less good if he calmly says "Well, that's just the way I am. You wanna watch a movie?" But still good. HOWEVER, if your question makes him fly off the handle, uh, that oughta be the final straw. The red flags you are describing are SIGNIFICANT, and could put you at risk in the future, especially if marriage and kids enter into the equation. He sceamed at and shoved your dog for ruining something of his. What would he do if his baby spit up on his work clothes? Or if a toddler colored on his computer screen with a crayon?
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And if you do what Winslow's dad says, and wait till a good moment to bring it up, his response will tell you volumes. If he stays calm and talks to you, that's good. Less good if he calmly says "Well, that's just the way I am. You wanna watch a movie?" But still good. HOWEVER, if your question makes him fly off the handle, uh, that oughta be the final straw. The red flags you are describing are SIGNIFICANT, and could put you at risk in the future, especially if marriage and kids enter into the equation. He sceamed at and shoved your dog for ruining something of his. What would he do if his baby spit up on his work clothes? Or if a toddler colored on his computer screen with a crayon?
Can I add my 2 cents, too? :) First, I think that Ali puts it very, very well. As many stressers as you have in your lives now, honestly it multiplies big time when you add kids into the family. Then there are all of the arguements over their hijinks, child rearing and each of your ideas of how a family works. It can be very challenging to find common ground with your partner sometimes and that's when the big disputes can arise. I found that it was amazing how strongly we both felt about how to raise the kids, based upon our how we were raised. Everything from how to celebrate holidays to what to eat can really become emotionally charged and heated, too. My husband came from a family that spent a lot on Christmas presents, to the point that my in-laws would fight horribly over whether or not they could pay the bills. Not happy for the kids.... :'( My parents were quite poor when I was small & so I was used to simple, inexpensive, but thoughtful gifts. When our kids arrived and we were on a very tight budget, this was a very hot topic for us. I thought that he was overspending like his mom, he thought that I just had no holiday spirit. It's taken years for us to get this worked out to both of our satisfaction. It's amazing how seemly simple things like this can cause so many old feelings to rise up and that hurt can really fuel anger.
Also, I know how you feel about not wanting to give up on a 3 yr relationship, I felt much the same way once. I dated a guy for 6 years & at the 2, 3 & 5 year marks I seriously questioned whether or not this would work. In each case, I stayed because I hated to lose the time that we'd already invested in the relationship. Finally at the 6 yr mark we both decided that he was never going to want marriage, kids & the picket fence and I was never going to be willing to be the free-wheeling, child-free, corporate wife that gave big dinner parties. In retrospect, I knew that we weren't compatible at that 2 yr mark, and in my case it would have saved us both a lot of time if I'd packed it in then. :-\
Like so many have said, I'm sure that you know in your heart what is right for you, whether that is to stay or make a new start. I'll be thinking of you. ((hugs))
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Hi,
Another male perspective. Approach him now don't wait for another outburst, because if you wait and confront him when he "reacts" you WILL get an angry response and he'll be UBER defensive.
You can even given him the choice to have that convesation then or within a day or 2. This way you give him sometime to think about it, let him know this is very important to you and for your relationship together.
You will have a much better result if you have the discussion at a neutral time and not in the heat of the moment!!
2 more cents for that bank!
Hello Again,(sounds like a song / or am I dating myself?)
Winslows got this one right about catching him on one of your "good moments" but try and catch him on one of HIS as well. Also if you are leary of his reaction, do it in a semi public place like a park or a coffee shop you both like or anything that just might have people passing by but not any of your friends he may feel "ambushed" and that would not be good no matter what.
Again hope all works out and above anything else Protect yourself 1st and all others later.
And let others know you are worried.
I know you said this was "venting" but if you are venting here then deep inside you are worried and you had to get some of it out to others who dont know you to get the lay of the land so to speak.
Well looks like an overwhelming response of "BE CAREFUL"
So let family and friends know you are worried and get their opinion. That way someone always knows whats going on.
Looks like all pet lovers take care of their own
and He may not be a pet lover.
Take care of "yourself" first in this type of situation and I think you will be OK.
BE CAREFUL
You are in mine and my wifes prayers.
Danny W.