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« on: December 07, 2006, 04:15:59 am »
All dates must pass your dog's inspection
All of your clothes have dog hair on them, even when they come back from the laundromat or dry cleaners.
You get birthday cards for each of your dogs from family, friends, and the vet. (Bonus if you keep them on the refrigerator for more than a month.)
Every gift you ever get has something to do with dogs
Kiss your dog more than 10 times per greeting.
All your non-dog friends know to dress down when visiting your house
Books and movies are ruined for you if the dog references are incorrect.
Onlookers grimace at the sight of you sharing your sandwich with your four-legged pal, bite for bite
Call long distance and talk with your dog.
Dog hair in food is just another spice.
If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.
Any conversation you're having is effortlessly directed back to the topic of dogs
90 percent of your Internet connection time goes to the dogs (seeing what's
new when you enter your breed into the browser, reading up on multiple
lists, checking out photos, sounds and faqs, etc.).
All kinds of things around the house are in need of repair, but the injured
dog you rescued by the side of the road requires immediate surgery and out
comes the checkbook
All of your charitable donations go to dog-related and humane society
groups.
All of your furniture came to you second hand or via curbside discard, but
your dog crates are top of the line, industry premium.
All your social activities revolve around other dog people
Your voice is recognized by your vet's receptionist
And after 3 and a half hours of grooming you let that beautiful creature out
to go potty before bedtime and he turns and looks back at you, all clean and
pretty, he smiles a little smile that warms your heart so deeply that words
can never say. A picture you will remember forever. When the dog comes back
in you realize he has been rolling in the dead bird/squirrel you thought you
carefully buried that morning.
Anyone can look at your (pick all that apply) --- T-shirt - sweatshirt -
coffee mug - keychain - beach towel - cooking apron - couch throw - tote
bag - computer screen saver/wallpaper/mousepad/wristpad/monitor frame - gift
wrapping paper - photographic displays - calendars - refrigerator magnets -
weather vane - door mat - bumper stickers - umbrella - Christmas sweater -
socks - embroidery project - child's collection of stuffed animals - sheets
and bedspread - checks - checkbook covers - throw pillows - Home Pages ---
and know immediately that you are a dog lover, AND probably what particular
breed you favor.
At least three of your five weeks vacation are scheduled around grooming,
vaccinations and dental cleaning...all for the dogs!
City officials come to your home and say "Your dogs are barking." And you
can't figure out what the problem is.
Complete strangers call you on the phone to ask questions because they heard
you were a" dog person"
Cut your vacations to 3 day weekends only.
Dog crates double as chairs and/or tables in your family room
Everyone at the office is eager to know if the dogs are all right because you were late for the meeting
First time visitors wonder aloud: "Do you smell something?" and you really don't
In upstate New York this year, let's get out the map and see what else is
interesting in that area..." or "Let's go on a walking tour or Savannah so
we can bring the dogs along now what hotel chains allow dogs?")
Introduce your dog to the photographer and ask would you like to kiss fido
also.
It takes an entirely separate garbage can to handle the poop
It's easier to get a hairdresser's appointment for yourself than it is to
get one for your dog.
You are on an email list with other dog people and each
one of them feels like more than family.
Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
More than half your grocery money goes to dog food and treats
Most of your social life is with other dog people.
Most of your vacation pictures are of dogs around the world.
No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your
dog(s).
No one wants to ride in your car because they know they'll get dog hair on
their clothes.
Nobody's feet are allowed on the furniture, but your dogs are welcome to
sleep on any piece they so choose
On your 1040 form all your charitable donations are to Humane Societies,
Shelters and Rescue groups.
On your Christmas list to 'Santa' you only want crooks, whistles, jumps,
doggie sweater, doggie 'gum ball machine', a place to have sheep, and oh
yes, the sheep.
One of your vet files is labeled "Other"
Order 250 Xmas photos of just the dog, no family in photos.
Order 5x7 photos of the kids and order 16 x20 of SPOT.
Overnight guests (who share your bed) are offended by having to sleep with
you and the dog(s)
Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
Relative solidity of dog excrement is a suitable topic for discussion in
mixed company.
Tax rebates go to "the dog fund" or a spending spree through the supply
catalogs.
The cost of boarding your furkids equals that of your entire vacation
The dog's kibble is stored in 45 gallon garbage cans, and the water is kept
in a bucket with it's own drip tray under it. (Score extra if you have had a
water tap installed over the bucket to save time, or [for longhaired breeds]
if you keep a towel lying permanently on the floor to soak up drips and
squeegee around with your foot.)
The family's eye doctor is located in town, but the dog's ophthalmologis t is
located a two-hour drive away.
The first question you ask when on a date is: "So, do you like animals?"
The guardians of your dogs will receive a larger amount of insurance policy
money than will all other members of your family, combined.
The highlight of your day is spending time with your dog.
The instructions to the dog kennel are longer than the instructions to the
house sitter.
The largest display of collectibles in the house is dog stuff -- plates,
photos, cards, etc.
The majority of your charitable contributions go to animal organizations
The most exciting times on vacations, no matter where in the world you go,
is when you get to pet a dog (a "canine fix").
The number one priority when buying a new house is the size and landscape of
the backyard
The only (or at least first) forum you log onto is the animal forum
The only thing your friends, colleagues, and passing acquaintances say to
you when they see you is, "How are the dogs?" or "How many dogs do you have
now?"
The only time you use your camper is for dog shows.
The part of the backyard you finish first is the dog run.
The part of your will dealing with your dogs is longer than any other part.
The sound of any liquid hitting the floor two rooms away at 3 a.m. Is enough
to launch you out of bed; but otherwise you can sleep through a ringing
telephone, the alarm clock, earthquake tremors, etc.
The thought of changing a baby's diaper makes you swoon, but you can pick up
dog poop barehanded, if necessary, without batting an eye
The total "poundage" of canines outweighs the total poundage of humans in
the household.
The trash basket is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink,
to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
The whereabouts of all your important legal and personal documents escapes
you, yet you know precisely where to locate the file that includes all the
vet records, breed papers and registration
The word "bitch" becomes non-derogatory and flows naturally in most
conversations.
To win a precious $.75 show ribbon, you think nothing to forking out
hundreds of dollars to board/pet sit the other dogs, pay for entry fees,
gas, accommodations and meals
Vaccination and licensing records for all your dogs are in perfect order,
but your checkbook hasn't been balanced in months, and last year's tax
records are nowhere to be found.
When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.
While proudly showing off your family album, your guest asks, "Isn't there
anyone else in your family besides the dog?"
You and the dog come down with something like flu on the same day. Your dog
sees the vet while you settle for an over-the-counter remedy from the
drugstore.
You and your family haven't had your annual check up in two years, but the
dogs are all medically up to date
You are the only idiot out walking in the pouring rain, but your dog needs
her walk.
You are unbelievably pleased to receive a dog item (any dog item) as a
gift --especially from a "non-dog" friend. (They really cared even if it's
not your breed.)
You avoid vacuuming the house as long as possible because your dog is afraid
of the vacuum cleaner.
You become paranoid about keeping ID on your dog at all times (collar, tags,
microchip, tattoo), but don't bother to carry any ID yourself.
You become the family dog kennel for all your relatives
You believe every dog is a lap dog.
You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the
neighborhood. You know their names.
You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.
You break down and buy another pillow so you can have one to sleep on
You buy a $20.00 stuffed toy and within an hour you find toy stuffing all
over the yard. You and the dogs bow your heads in silent prayer.
You buy a bigger bed that will comfortably sleep six
You buy a mini-van to give them all enough travel room
You buy premium quality dog kibble for your dog, but live on take-out,
frozen pizza, and blue-box macaroni and cheese yourself.
You buy vitamin supplements for your dog and administer them daily (wrapped
in cheese if necessary), but consider yourself fortunate if you remember to
take your own more than twice a week.
You can only remember people by associating them with their dog
You can't fully enjoy yourself without your dog.
You can't remember family birthdays and anniversaries, but you can rattle
off a six generation pedigree with birthdates, health data and coat colors
at the drop of a hat.
You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are
nose-prints all over the inside.
You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
You carry pictures of your dog in your wallet instead of pictures of your
parents, siblings, significant other, or anyone else remotely human.
You carry plastic "pick-up" bags and an extra kennel lead in your purse,
pocket, and car at all times.
You celebrate dog events (new dog, dog birthday, finished championships,
etc.) by throwing catered parties with lots of people--but you ignore your
own birthday.
You change jobs so you can spend more time with the dogs.
You chirp, cluck, whistle, make kissy noises, and give "stay" and "heel"
commands to your car. (Bonus: if you do this and give the "beg" command to
your significant other.)
You consider dog crates to be an inspired form of interior decorating.
(Bonus: you use them as end tables in your living room.)
You decide to downsize from a huge house in the city to an average country
cottage with lots of land in order to build the kennel of your dreams
You describe your children as having temperaments rather than personalities
You don't go to happy hours with co-workers any more because you need to go
home and see your dog.
You don't mind it when you find dog hair in the sink, tub, embedded in the
carpet or your clothes, or mixed in your food. (Take an extra point if you
don't bother trying to remove the hair from your food--extra protein
right?).
You don't think it's the least bit strange to stand in the back yard
chirping "Meg, pee!" over and over again, while Meg tends to play and forget
what she's out there for (but what your neighbors think of your behavior is
yet another story).
You don't think twice about sitting on the floor because both the couch and
the chair are completely dog full
You don't think twice about trading licks of an ice cream cone with your
dog.
You don't work late or socialize after work because you have to get home to
take care of your dog.
You get an extra-long hose on your shower-massage just so you can use it to
wash your dog in the tub, without making the dog sit hip-deep in water.
You get so frustrated about the lack of cable TV in your area that you get a
satellite dish or direct feed so you can watch the Westminster Kennel Club
Show on the Madison Square Garden network.
You go to pet supply stores on weekends because it's one of the few places
you can take your dog. You take your dog for rides in the car; and treat him
to a drive-thru window burger at mcdonalds on special occasions.
You hang around the dog section of your local bookstore.
You hate posing for pictures unless you're with your dog.
You hate to go to the grocery store for people food, but when the dog treats
are gone, off you go with no hesitation, even at the busiest time.
You have *two* dog doors between the house and the fenced yard, so the
doggies can run circles, half inside, half outside.
You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but the dog
understands them all.
You have a bad day and decide that your dog is the best "person" to talk it
over with.
You have a case of Summer's Eve disposable douche in the house for emergency
treatment of a skunk attack. (Extra points given if a male has picked this
up for you at the store.)
You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.
You have a plastic kiddie wading pool in the back yard, but no kids. (Double
points if you have a pool for each dog.)
You have extra dog collars and leashes on the walls, grooming tools on the
TV and sofa, dog beds strewn across all flat surfaces, kibble crud around
the base of your cabinets, chew toys everywhere, dog-fur dust rhinos
skidding across the carpet, and a long line of drips from the water bucket
to the living room across the hardwood floors--and you don't care. (Bonus
and automatic win if you have important company coming and you ignore all
the housekeeping in order to groom the dogs before company arrives.)
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