I have a confession to make. It's about Ranger, and it ain't pretty. The Roo is on a rocky road to heartbreak. Yes, Ranger is a fame whore. He is a slut for celebrities.
It all started one day when we were walking in the park, and the actor who played The Grinch at the theatre I work at petted and payed attention to Ranger during a rehearsal break. (You were there, Auntie Holly, remember? We thought the guy might be an escaped mental patient because he was all sweaty and disheveled and dressed strangely and wearing what looked like electrodes taped to his body? But that was just his mic. Silly us.) Ranger liked it. Liked it a lot. It felt good. Better than regular petting.
His next encounter was a crush on a local news man doing a live weather segment in the park. He wanted to pet Ranger, Ranger wanted to be petted by him. But their love was not to be - Weatherguy had to go on the air and they were only able to strain towards each other longingly before we had to move away. From then on every time we saw Weatherguy on TV, Ranger would perk up and pay attention. If we saw him in the park, Ranger would try to go to him. He even tried to jump into the open news van a couple times. Still, it might have worked out if Ranger had not met another.
The man who stole Ranger's heart was James Avery. That's right - Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. He was appearing in one of our shows, and would be sitting outside the theatre every night around the time that Scott would bring the dogs down to pick me up from work. At first their love was slow. Tentative. James Avery was in a wheelchair due to a leg injury, and Ranger gives the hard love. But Ranger would not be denied. He demanded to be noticed. He showed the belly and clinched the deal. Soon Ranger was getting that sweet sweet Uncle Phil petting every night. It was Ranger's longest celebrity relationship to date.
When James Avery left, I thought things were back to normal. Things calmed down. Ranger stopped saying that celebrity hands just "feel different". He stopped wearing a pashmina, draped just-so. If I wanted to pet my dog, I didn't have to pretend to be my own agent and schedule a meeting. I could breathe easy again. Then Harvey Firestein called him "cookie" in the hallway one day, and it all came flooding back.
Now, we have just learned that Scott Bakula is starring in our latest show. I think it is a very good thing that Ranger and I will no longer be spending our free time in the park (due to the Great Homeless Ex-Fiance' Incident of 2008).
Bakula dodged a 100-lb. hairy bullet, and he doesn't even know it.
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