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Thanks everybody for kicking me in the butt and knocking some sense into my thick head.  Especially Stella... 

I know the vast majority of the disrespect comes from their mother encouraging them to be that way towards me, but they are playing me.  They know what buttons to push to set me off and they know how to manipulate me.  In my desire to have them like me, I let them do it, and I've known they've been doing it all along.

You know the saying you have to hit bottom before you can climb back up?  Well, maybe this incident is the bottom.  I hit bottom with my mother back in July, sent her a long email telling her exactly what I've thought about her for years and expected to never hear from her again.  The exact opposit happened - our relationship now is the best it's been in almost 20 years. 

You're all absolutely right.  This is MY home, MY upcoming marriage, and mine and Jeff's rules.  Why in the world am I letting two kids dictate my life?  He rarely disagrees with any rule or form of discipline I hand down, so I'm just going to go with it.  I know he'll tell me if he disagrees.

I think I invested too much emotion and hope into the girls.  Jeff doesn't want any more kids and he told me that early on in our relationship to be fair to me in case I wanted out.  I chose him over kids because I could be a stepmom to his kids.  I don't regret my decision, but I guess I expected too much or I was just unrealistic about them.  I had these visions of the future where we are such a big happy family and they have as great a relationship with me as I had with my step-mom (who I refer to as "MOM"), and maybe I was trying too hard to make that happen.  Things have changed now.  I'm going to concentrate on me and Jeff.  Katie will be leaving for college soon and our relationship will probably improve once we don't live together.  Then there's just Kelsey to contend with.  If it's any consolation, she doesn't single me out with her disrespect.  Everybody gets it - Jeff, her siblings, grandparents, even her mother.  LOL

Jeff doesn't want the girls to think that they don't have to listen to me or respect me.  If he jumps in to defend me all the time then he's fighting my battles for me and that doesn't gain any respect for me from the girls.  He usually lets me deal with the them when there is an issue between us.  He wants the girls to respect me because of the relationship I have with them, not just because he stepped in and told them they have to.  As it is, they blow off anything I say or ask them to do until Jeff tells them.  Unfortunately that just reinforces that they only have to listen to their father.

He does intervene when it gets bad, and he did last night.  I broke down again while I was talking to him and I told him I give up and they win.  He sat us all down to talk right then and there.  Not that I think the talk did any good at all.  We are all on speaking terms with each other, but I'm still tense around them.  Maybe I just need some time.  I need to learn to trust them again.

Of course I have their mother working against me too.  She regularly refers to me as the nanny in general conversation with the girls and she admitted that to my face on Sunday when I had it out with her.  She has also admitted that since she only sees me as a nanny, she has told the girls that if I discipline them, it means nothing and that I have nerve asking them to do chores around the house.  Jeff has made it clear that she has no say over the rules in our house, but the girls don't seem to care.  After all, they have their mother teling them what they want to hear.  The mother that doesn't have do do the dirty work of disciplining them or dealing with issues...she can concentrate on the fun stuff - taking them out to eat, shopping sprees, to the movies...  the only responsibility she has is taking Kelsey to church school once a week.  She has the luxury of being able to focuse on being their best friend and giving them what they want.  Then they have me and Jeff telling them what they DON'T want to hear.  That they have chores and responsibiliti es around the house, we are the only disciplinarian s and the general all around bad guys.  Maria has even joked to Jeff that she likes being the favorite parent.  Except it wasn't a joke.

She has a certain amount of control over me being as Jeff and I are not married yet, and she uses it constantly.  She has had a sit down with her lawyer to discuss what I have rights to what I don't have rights to and what rights I will have a legal step-parent.  She seems to think I beat the girls and is always threatening to have me arrested for child abuse if I ever lay a hand on either one.  She has even gone so far as to put a note in the kids' doctor's office that I am not to brring them in for appointments.  Jeff put a stop to that right away.  she's so focused on showing her superiority over me that she is willing to risk her kids health and well-being!  She abuses them emotionally when they dare make a decion for themselves and she turns things around on them to make them look bad and herself look better.  And yet they love for it.

I just don't get it.

I have been having issues with Jeff's kids and ex-wife since Sunday.  It's never been this bad...I can't bring myself to even be in the same room as the girls.  It's to the point where I don't want them here anymore.  They obviously hate me.  I want them to go live with their precious mother.  They don't care who they hurt, just as long as their mother isn't hurt.  They haven't spoken to me since Sunday and I haven't spoken to them. Until this morning I was driving Kelsey, the 12 yr old, to school and tried to talk and work things out.  Let's just say it didn't go well as I had hoped.  I was in tears yet again by the end of the 10 minute drive and she couldn't care less that I was hurt and she blamed everything on me.  Even though the conversation brought up proof that her mother lied about her to me and Jeff, she still believes I am to blame for all of our problems.  She was perfectly fine with her mother lying and putting the blame on her and making her look bad to me and Jeff.

I calmed down on my way home and I was sitting on the couch just watching Sierra and Cody play and thinking about how things got so out of control and how I am going to be able to live in the same house as these girls that hate me.  Before I could stop myself, I just burst into tears again.

That's when my sweet, wonderful dog proved to me how much she loves me.  As soon as Sierra heard me sobbing, she stopped playing, climbed up on the couch, laid her head in my lap and looked up at me as if she was checking to see if her attempts to comfort me were working.  I could tell she was in an uncomfortable position.  Her back leg was down between the cushions and she kept fidgeting.  She sat up a few times and I thought she was going to leave, but she just licked the tears off of my face and laid right back down in that uncomfortable position.  She stayed with me and kept her head on my lap until I finally stopped crying and then she looked up as if to make sure I was ok, and then went back to playing with Cody.  Ever since, she has refused to let me walk around the house un-escorted.  Where ever I am in the house she just follows me and lays down and watches me.  I guess she wants to make sure she's there in case I break down again.  LOL.

Sometmes her intiuition, or senses or whatever it is, amazes me.  She knew just when I needed some comfort from her and she gave everything she had to offer.  I didn't think it was possible, but I fell in love my dog just a little bit more today.

Maniac Cody, of course, just jumped in my lap and kept waving his paws at my face and trying to nip my fingers, and just succeeded in annoying the he#$ out of me.

i love reading the stories about the mischief that our babies get into.  I'll admit I giggle at everyone's expense, but it makes me realize that even when Sierra has a really bad bahvior day, she isn't a bad dog...she's a normal Newf.  And that's a relief!  For the most part she gets into very little trouble.  She loves dumping the kitchen and bathroom trash cans and spreading it to every corner of the house and she has regressed to not coming when I call and also standing in the middle of the living room barking at us for absolutely NO REASON.

Yes, Gilly is definitely looking like a Newf now!  Gosh, he's a cutie!  He shot right to the top of my kidnap list.  I'm so glad that he beat the odds and is growing into a beautiful, happy little Newfie.

I bet you can't wait til the 20th!

They are 15 months now and Sophie is 130, Syrus 137. They probably won't get any taller, but should still fill out some.

Wow, Sophie outweighs Sierra by 30 lbs and Sierra just turned 2 years old!

Happy Birthday pretty girl!!

Have fun getting spoiled and pampered!

I can't imagine what must have been going through your head.  I would have been in such a panic, like I lost one of my skin kids!  What wonderful pups for coming back to look for you and rescuing you!  Thank God you have them.