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Dear Dogs of Mine,

It seems that lately things have gotten a smidge slack around here. I feel it is time to remind you of the rules that heretofore we have operated under. You are both cute dogs, but your continued cuteness in no way negates our previous agreement. Let me remind you of a few details of this agreement.

1. In exchange for room and board, you are to guard the kingdom. That would be guarding the kingdom from any and all bad guys, robbers, serial killers, etc. Feel free to bark maniacally at any of those that should appear in the yard. Guarding the kingdom does NOT include barking maniacally at bunnies, squirrels, cows, sheep and invisible things that only you can see, especially between the hours of 5am (when I stumble out of bed to let you out) and 8am (when I actually have to be out of bed to get to work).
(And let me take a moment here to remind you that the pizza guy is a potential bad guy. He is not your friend. Just because he comes bearing food does not allow him free and easy access to the kingdom. He is potentially way more dangerous than the bunnies that you threaten to tear limb from limb.)

2. All of the stuff that lives in the toy basket is yours. Everything else is mine. Yours includes squeaky balls, random bones, partially unstuffed stuffed animals and chew ropes. Mine includes any and all shoes on the floor (especially the expensive leather ones), underwear that missed the hamper, bras, socks, dishtowels, the remote, the cell phone, the legs of my grandmother's antique chair and the vacuum. Did I mention shoes? ALL the shoes are mine. They come in pairs, not quads, for a reason.

3. The cat gets to sleep on the bed. You do not. You each weigh 50 pounds. The cat weighs 12. You sleep smack dab in the middle of the bed with all four feet spread out covering approximately 12 square feet apiece. The cat sleeps in a neat little ball covering about 2 square feet. The cat does not bring fleas into the house. You do. You, dogs, will never be allowed to sleep on the bed. Quit sneaking up when you think I'm not looking. Your 50 pounds of dogginess negates your stealth superpowers. I know you are up there!!

4. Speaking of the cat- when he hunkers down into that little mound, lays his ears back, squints his eyes and growls way back in his chest, HE IS NOT A HAPPY KITTY. Leave him alone. He does not want to play with you. What he wants to do is poke your eyes out and shread the skin around your face. He can do that, you know. Five of his 6 ends are really sharp and pointy. He has previously shown very little restraint. Clearly he enjoys smacking you upside the head with a paw full of claws. Do not aggrevate him. When he takes your head off after you have cornered him, I will let him. You have been forewarned.

5. The cat is mean. He will lead you down a path to destruction. He likes to tear around the house winding you up. He does this knowingly and intentionally. When you chase him, I will only yell at you for careening into walls and furniture. He knows this. Quit falling for it.

6. If you find something in the garbage can, assume that I intend for it to be there. Platic tampon shells are not chew toys. Don't eat them.

7. Also not for doggy consumption- anything you find in the litter box. This is why you no longer get to kiss me.

8. You are allowed to sleep on the furniture. You are not allowed to eat the furniture.

9. Yes, I have to leave every day to go to work. No, you cannot go with me. That's why there are two of you, so you can entertain each other. The cat gets to stay in the house. You both have to stay outside while I'm gone. The cat does not chew things up. You do. Quit whining about it. Your porch is air-conditioned. It's just like inside the house minus the sofa. If you'd quit chewing up dog beds, it would be just like inside the house. You have made your own proverbial bed by destroying two very expensive dog cushions.

10. I have opposable thumbs. This is why I get to be in charge. I can open cans, doors, and bags of treats. I am the only one in the house that can operate the hose sprayer. I'm also the only one with a driver's license and a car. I win. Being cute is no match for opposable thumbs.

While I in no way wish to suppress your rightful dogginess, I feel that these very simple guidelines will allow us to continue to co-exist in peaceful harmony. Please know though, that should you choose to continue in willful violation of these rules, I WILL PUT THE CAT IN CHARGE. He has just been itching for a position in management.

Much thanks,
The Human

Well, last night Koji went to his new home. It was really really sad, but good. He's going to be with a 4 year old boy and a 10 month old boy. It will be a perfect placement, I have no doubt. The mom was really great with him, and fell in love with him right away. I know that our move is three months away and we could find a house by then and not have to stay with my dad, but if we don't, it's three more months for Koji to become attached to us and vice versa. I just thought it would be best to get it over with. It was hardest for me, because for whatever reason, I bonded with him more than anyone else at my house. I cried like a baby after he left. Anyway, Koji is now "Cookie" and lives in Bradenton, Florida with a really nice family, and I am really happy with the placement. Sniffle sniffle.

So, this is a really long story, but my family and I are moving to Northern California. There are a lot of factors at play, but basically, I'm an only child, and my dad lives out there. He said to me, about a year ago, kind of in jest, that he's "buy us a house" if we'd agree to move. He really wants us to be closer with the grandkids and what not. So, long story short, he is actually doing this generous thing, which is wonderful, and is a huge financial boost for our whole family. My husband is going out this weekend as he has two job interviews on Monday, and things are looking REALLY positive for his obtaining employment, so we're looking at about a two month count down to move. Problem is, we haven't found a house out there yet(not for lack of trying) and the only place we'll have to go is - that's right - my dad's lovely home in Sonoma. His home, which is - right again - pet free.  We've reached a compromise, which sucks, but not as bad as it could, I guess. We have reluctantly agreed to rehome two of our pups. I refuse to give up Tani, though, and that is that. I refuse to give up my Kenji kitty, but I probably won't be able to keep the two foster kittens that we were planning on keeping. However, it means that I have to rehome Koji and Niko. It sucks, and I hope you all understand. I am really upset, but I guess under the circumstances, my family stands to benefit in a big way from this move. If any of you live near the Tampa Bay area and want to meet Koji (6 month wonderful "berner-aussie" mix with mysterious bassett legs) or Niko ( lovely 10 year old peaceful greyhound grandpa), please let me know. They are both great dogs, great with kids of all ages and great with cats. Koji is still young and working on housebreaking, but is beautifully crate trained and knows "Drop it" and "outside". Niko likes to sleep all day, and go out to pee a couple times a day. World's biggest couch potato. I have about two months, I guess. Don't hate me in writing on this message board, please!! But, if you can help...even with some kind words, I'll take it...

It's not like I was licking them or anything. And even if I was, you can't prove it.

Awww, just lemmee nap, will ya? Don't you know what "retired" means?

I'm gonna hide under this bed until ya'll stop talking about my legs!