Opinion on adoption

[princessnmi]

I need your guys opinion. My husband and I are in the process of adopting 2 little boys. We had the boys as foster kids when we lived in Texas but then we were transferred with the military. I never wanted kids of my own and was kind of happy when the doctors said that I would probably never be able to have kids. However some miracle happened and I gave birth to a daughter in October. I wouldn't change that for the world. However now that I have a biological child my family has started treating the boys differently. I know that we don't have the boys here in Arizona yet, and that they aren't officially ours because of all the problems we've had with CPS doing their job right. But I have considered them MY boys since we found out we were probably going to be able to adopt them. Even with them being 14hrs away, I call, I write, I mail toys, clothes diapers etc. I do what I can to support my boys from so far away. I have an aunt who won't put pictures of the boys up at her work because they aren't her nephews, yet she has probably 100 up of Makaylee. My mother in law buys Makaylee something EVERY time she goes to the store but the boys aren't her gandkids. How do I get them to accept them. I don't want them to get a different treatment because they are adopted. My mom is really good about it and has loved the boys since the day they were placed in my home, but some of my family hasn't. I know my husbands family is very mad at me for doing foster care because foster care really opened my eyes to how many kids are just "thrown away" how many kids just need a home, or a family to love them. I will probably never have anymore kids of my own however I do want to adopt more. I am hoping to have foster kids by the end of May. Is anyone here adopted? Or has anyone adopted? just need some thoughts on how to get them to accept my adopted kids as much as my daughter 

[ZooCrew]

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this with your family.  Maybe it is because you and they have not seen them for so long that they don't "feel" like part of the family yet.  I can't say for sure, but that was my first thought.

I haven't adopted but would love to.  I've always wanted a large family, but not necessarily biologically.  Unfortunately, my husband is not the kind of person I want to have kids with right now, so if I ever want to have kids I would have to divorce him first (long story)

I hope you can find some good answers here.  I have been following your updates with the two boys and I hope things work out for you and for them.  If people are that close-minded that they cannot see that they are your children, I'm not sure if there is any way to convince them otherwise.  Just try to make the children feel as confident about themselves and how you feel about them as possible, b/c I'm sure eventually they will figure out they are not treated the same as your daughter.  Good luck and please keep us posted as things progress.

[Svnt4God]

That's a tough situation to be in.

Some times family does not stand in the same current as you do.  Some times you need to do for yourself what you truly believe is right and true.  Your family may climb aboard with you ...or they may not.

I am a birth mother to a 4 year old boy that I could not raise.  So I gave him up for adoption.  I feel blessed that there was a loving family to bring him in and treat him as their own flesh and blood.  Today he turned 4 years old.   I celebrate his birthday each and every year.

Do what you believe is right ... follow your own heart.
The boys need someone like you to raise them as if they are your own flesh and blood.

An adopted child or a child from your own groin is a gift from God.   Not all of us have the ability to nurture a gift like that.

God Bless You.

Sincerely,
Barbara
God's Vessel for Life

Here is a link to my "Reader's Digest" condensed version of my Journey

http://www.heartlink.org/directors/adoption/A000000108.cfm

[aggghgmom]

First I give you SO much credit for being a foster family.

I have a 14 year old natural born son and a 7 year old adopted daughter from South Korea.  I had some difficult decisions to make before adopting her because I thought my husbands family would treat her differently all of the other grandchildren are light brown hair and blue or light brown eyes.  I also had to talk to them once about making inappropriate racial comments in front of me; so adopting an Asian child was risky, my in-laws were wonderful about the whole thing (and as you may have read in another thread they aren't always).  They came and stayed with my son while we picked up our daughter and have always treated her as one of their own.

Strangely, my parents who I thought would be fine with it were very concerned with her heritage; they felt she may be uncomfortable in our family as my husband is not the same religion as me and we raise my family in just my religions which traditionally doesn't have alot of Asian members (our family is Jewish).  My family thought a child from Russia or Europe would be a better option.  My parents also believe the sun rises and sets on my son that he was a special gift from G_d.  But as soon as my parents saw my daughter it was a done deal.  I still think my Mother thinks my son is #1 but it was her first and only Grandson for 6 1/2 years.  Also, my Mother shows as much love for both children and always makes sure she buys things for both. although now that my son is older he is hard to buy for so my daughter does get more.

OK I'm rambling, but most things have worked out here.  I wonder if your family is leary of getting to attached because they are afraid of getting hurt if you don't get to adopt the boys?  Also, just my opinion but once you are a bigger happy family, if my aunt didn't want pictures of my sons - they wouldn't be getting any pictures of my daughter either.  There is no place in my life for prejudice especially against family members.

I hope this makes sense it is a subject near and dear to my heart.

Best of luck

Randy

[longshadowfarms]

Not sure how much I can help.  My 3 are all adopted.  I think others may have hit on something about them not wanting to get too emotionally attached until it becomes reality.  Maybe, maybe not.  Only time will tell.  My parents have been wonderful, but they never showed favoritism to any of us kids as we grew up either.  My in-laws on the other hand have always compared their own kids and showed tremendous favoritism.  It continues with the next generation as well. Not much that can be done but I do try to shield my kids as much as possible.  We also have a number of adopted grandparents who spend quite a bit of time with my kids.  IMO, the love ties are more important connections than any societal labeled ties if that makes any sense.

[GR8DAME]

Not sure that this will be much help, but I think that it has less to do with the parentage of the kids, as the predjudices of the adults. My two are born into the family, and still treated very differently by different families. My Mom favors my son, and my daughter can never quite measure up. Now my husband's family is the opposite. My daughter hung the moon, and gets gifts for just breathing and my son doesn't even get a call on his birthday. It is not fair, and I fought it for years, but they wouldn't or couldn't change. The best I could do was love them both equally and unconditionall y as an example to them of what SHOULD be. My son, at eighteen, has learned to ignore it. But my daughter, at 12, would just as soon not spend time with my Mom. But that is my Mom's loss.
Stella

[princessnmi]

Thank you guys so much for all the advice. I know it is hard for people to take in kids that aren't "theirs". I also know that Makaylee will always be treated differently from the boys because of the fact that not only is she biological but she is the first and as of right now the only girl. I just don't want the boys left out all the time because they are adopted. I have had 28 foster kids in my home in the last 3 yrs and will never change that. I am only 24 yrs old and besides the last 8 months or so went over 2 yrs with never having less than 5 kids under the age of 3 in the house. I know that I did what I could to make a difference in as many kids lives as I could and probably would have fought to adopt a lot more if I could. I will keep you guys all posted on the adoption and promise to post LOTS of pics of them and of course my puppies as soon as I can. Thansk again.

[Gypsy Jazmine]

You can't change the world or the people in it but you can change the world of those children...You can also keep doing what you know is right for you & your boys...Anythin g else doesn't really matter.

[Imani's Mom]

JMO here, but I think in that situation, I would suggest doing the same thing I did with my family and my two girls.   My older sister especially, claimed she could not stand my oldest, right from birth, but wanted to be included in everything for my youngest, including being in the OR when she was delivered by C-section.    I flat out told her that she was to either treat them equally, or not be included in ANYTHING in their lives.   She herself had three kids, and DID play favorites with them, and now two out of three seldom even talk to her anymore.   (Her kids are older than mine, but my oldest and her youngest are close to the same age, and I think she felt her youngest didn't get as much attention from other family members as it had to be shared between the two "babies" at that time.)  She did end up treating them (my girls) equally and fairly, and now she gets to reap the benefits- my oldest will be 20 tomorrow, and doesn't care to be involved in family stuff anymore, while my youngest, who will be 18 in July, tries to stay very involved in family stuff, so my older sister gets to spend time with her now without having to be concerned with my older daughter.