Lin says hello

[Gypsy Jazmine]

Lin, I don't know what else to say but I am thinking of you...My hubby quit drinking 10 yrs. ago this coming Oct. 4th...I finally told him that I couldn't change HIM but I would no longer accept his bad behaivor in MY life...I guess you have to put up your bounderies, stick to your guns & pray alot.

[rickysmom1]

Lin, I don't want to toot my horn here, but I am sure that is how this is going to come across.  I want to tell you a few things about myself, just to lend some credibility to my opinions. 
I got my masters in family counseling, and worked in a domestic violence shelter for 7 years.  I took probably 8 classes on family dynamics and have studied and interned with people much much more knowledgable than myself.  I also loved, and lived with a jerk for 5 years.   
There are just a few things that I want to tell you, that may help.  Your relationship is like a teetertotter.  Both sides have to weigh roughly the same amount, or else the lighter side has to kick off harder to compensate; in order for it to go back and forth...up and down. 
Because of this, you have ENORMOUS power.  You can get off the totter, or stop kicking off, or stand up and refuse to cooperate any more unless x,y,z happen. 
I have heard several times bits and peices of this story, enough to know that you are a very very patient, loving, tolerant woman.  Those qualities weigh 123 pounds.  If the other side of the totter was like you, you would have harmony.  He sounds like he is emotionally unavailable, irresponsible, and selfish.  Those qualities weigh 123 pounds.  He relies on those things to get his side of the totter going. 
Carpooling to work, I'm sorry I could be wrong, but that sounds like a manipulation.  It makes keeping him from going to the bar some part your responsibility .  You babysit him and he is babysat. 
Through no fault of your own, I think you are going to have to make a change (he isn't going to change, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior).  Let him prove to you that he is worthy of you.  Do you have any family?  Any support?  I would heave him out if that is financially possible, and let him earn his way back into your heart through his good behavior (at least one year clean and sober and adultish).
You shouldn't have to 'fight' that is exhausting.  You shouldn't have to do a da*n thing.  Unfortunately, you have no choice now. 
I wonder if I should PM this to you instead of doing it here, but I'm thinking you have been upfront about what you are going through, and it would be interesting to see what other people think of this too...
Good luck.  You don't deserve this s*it, and BTW, you shouldn't have had to wonder if he would treat you well on your B'Day either.  You should NEVER have to wonder if the person you love will treat you right...it's painful and demeaning. 
You can PM me anytime, take care.

As someone who was married to an alcoholic all I can say is that you are spot on and amen to EVERYTHING you posted.

[doggylover]

Yeah, I lived with a total JERK for 5 years..learned more from that than anything else.  It's impossible to really grasp how painful it is to live with someone who isn't on your side unless you've been there. 
Lin my heart really goes way out to you. 

[Nicole]

Lin!
Aw, h-e-double-hockey sticks, woman! I hope it all works out, that's all I can say. I told ya before, if you need any help as far as keeping your dogs, a place to stay....whatev er, just let me know, woman. Oh, and Mark and I are both applying for jobs in Grand Rapids, so you might have some new friends soon! 

I'm thinkin' about ya! Give us a call if you wanna or need to!

[newflvr]

It's amazing how we all have been touched by that beast!  My father was an alcoholic until I was 35.   I understand the broken promises, the heartbreak, being emotionally unavailable, the horrible fear while he was driving, and hunting with guns.  When he finally quit drinking, about 5 years before he died, he said that he was really sorry that we had no relationship.. .because he really never knew me.  It's okay to walk away and heal yourself.  Alanon is there for a reason.  Many of my friends go to be supported and to give support.  This is not your fault and it's not up to you to fix it.  He's the only one who can!!  I completely agree with doggylover...s he has all the stuff to support what she's saying.  I just understand from the vulnerable side (and three years of weekly therapy sessions ).  You can only be a mat if you lay down.  If you get up and walk away, he's left with nothing......

Good luck, girl...and we have your back!

[The Brindle Pack]

I also agree with doggylover and Newflvr.  You can only change YOU he will have to hit his own bottom before he decides that there is a problem.  I too would suggest Alanon, they have all been there and can support you in doing the next right thing....FOR YOU.

Good luck and let us know if you need anything.

Here is a link to Alanon:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html

[K9ldy00]

Lin, I feel for you I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years before I realized no matter what I did He would not change. I finally left and now I have a life.  I hope things get better for you. We are all here for you.

[k2campbell]

Lins,

So sorry you're having a tough time right now, I've been thinking about you.  Stay strong and know we're all behind you throughout this!  We're always here for you!

Kelly & Kate

[Softhug]

Lin, I don't want to toot my horn here, but I am sure that is how this is going to come across.  I want to tell you a few things about myself, just to lend some credibility to my opinions. 
I got my masters in family counseling, and worked in a domestic violence shelter for 7 years.  I took probably 8 classes on family dynamics and have studied and interned with people much much more knowledgable than myself.  I also loved, and lived with a jerk for 5 years.   
There are just a few things that I want to tell you, that may help.  Your relationship is like a teetertotter.  Both sides have to weigh roughly the same amount, or else the lighter side has to kick off harder to compensate; in order for it to go back and forth...up and down. 
Because of this, you have ENORMOUS power.  You can get off the totter, or stop kicking off, or stand up and refuse to cooperate any more unless x,y,z happen. 
I have heard several times bits and peices of this story, enough to know that you are a very very patient, loving, tolerant woman.  Those qualities weigh 123 pounds.  If the other side of the totter was like you, you would have harmony.  He sounds like he is emotionally unavailable, irresponsible, and selfish.  Those qualities weigh 123 pounds.  He relies on those things to get his side of the totter going. 
Carpooling to work, I'm sorry I could be wrong, but that sounds like a manipulation.  It makes keeping him from going to the bar some part your responsibility .  You babysit him and he is babysat. 
Through no fault of your own, I think you are going to have to make a change (he isn't going to change, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior).  Let him prove to you that he is worthy of you.  Do you have any family?  Any support?  I would heave him out if that is financially possible, and let him earn his way back into your heart through his good behavior (at least one year clean and sober and adultish).
You shouldn't have to 'fight' that is exhausting.  You shouldn't have to do a da*n thing.  Unfortunately, you have no choice now. 
I wonder if I should PM this to you instead of doing it here, but I'm thinking you have been upfront about what you are going through, and it would be interesting to see what other people think of this too...
Good luck.  You don't deserve this s*it, and BTW, you shouldn't have had to wonder if he would treat you well on your B'Day either.  You should NEVER have to wonder if the person you love will treat you right...it's painful and demeaning. 
You can PM me anytime, take care.

I am very lucky to have a "healthy" relationship, but I want to say how glad I am that you didn't PM this post.  Lins is open about what she is going thru and hopefully this can help her find the strength to start making steps forward...even baby steps!     However, someone who could be silently suffering thru the same kind of struggles may read this post; you just never know who else this post could touch.     

[lins_saving_grace]

Lin!
Aw, h-e-double-hockey sticks, woman! I hope it all works out, that's all I can say. I told ya before, if you need any help as far as keeping your dogs, a place to stay....whatev er, just let me know, woman. Oh, and Mark and I are both applying for jobs in Grand Rapids, so you might have some new friends soon! 

I'm thinkin' about ya! Give us a call if you wanna or need to!

NO WAY!?  you're moving to GR?  That would be awesome! 
You need anything call me.  I can drop stuff off...pick stuff up...and when it comes to houses/apartment I can look at them and get pics whatever.  ANYTHING!  I mean ANYTHING you let me know.

[lins_saving_grace]

I am very lucky to have a "healthy" relationship, but I want to say how glad I am that you didn't PM this post.  Lins is open about what she is going thru and hopefully this can help her find the strength to start making steps forward...even baby steps!     However, someone who could be silently suffering thru the same kind of struggles may read this post; you just never know who else this post could touch.     

AMEN!  Maybe someone can learn from my mistakes. 

[lins_saving_grace]

Lin, I don't want to toot my horn here, but I am sure that is how this is going to come across.  I want to tell you a few things about myself, just to lend some credibility to my opinions. 
I got my masters in family counseling, and worked in a domestic violence shelter for 7 years.  I took probably 8 classes on family dynamics and have studied and interned with people much much more knowledgable than myself.  I also loved, and lived with a jerk for 5 years.   
There are just a few things that I want to tell you, that may help.  Your relationship is like a teetertotter.  Both sides have to weigh roughly the same amount, or else the lighter side has to kick off harder to compensate; in order for it to go back and forth...up and down. 
Because of this, you have ENORMOUS power.  You can get off the totter, or stop kicking off, or stand up and refuse to cooperate any more unless x,y,z happen. 
I have heard several times bits and peices of this story, enough to know that you are a very very patient, loving, tolerant woman.  Those qualities weigh 123 pounds.  If the other side of the totter was like you, you would have harmony.  He sounds like he is emotionally unavailable, irresponsible, and selfish.  Those qualities weigh 123 pounds.  He relies on those things to get his side of the totter going. 
Carpooling to work, I'm sorry I could be wrong, but that sounds like a manipulation.  It makes keeping him from going to the bar some part your responsibility .  You babysit him and he is babysat. 
Through no fault of your own, I think you are going to have to make a change (he isn't going to change, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior).  Let him prove to you that he is worthy of you.  Do you have any family?  Any support?  I would heave him out if that is financially possible, and let him earn his way back into your heart through his good behavior (at least one year clean and sober and adultish).
You shouldn't have to 'fight' that is exhausting.  You shouldn't have to do a da*n thing.  Unfortunately, you have no choice now. 
I wonder if I should PM this to you instead of doing it here, but I'm thinking you have been upfront about what you are going through, and it would be interesting to see what other people think of this too...
Good luck.  You don't deserve this s*it, and BTW, you shouldn't have had to wonder if he would treat you well on your B'Day either.  You should NEVER have to wonder if the person you love will treat you right...it's painful and demeaning. 
You can PM me anytime, take care.

Time will definately tell which way this goes.  I'm not sure how to read the carpooling thing either.  I know it's going to be hard for him...and if that's what helps him through I'll try it. 

[Nicole]

Lin!
Aw, h-e-double-hockey sticks, woman! I hope it all works out, that's all I can say. I told ya before, if you need any help as far as keeping your dogs, a place to stay....whatev er, just let me know, woman. Oh, and Mark and I are both applying for jobs in Grand Rapids, so you might have some new friends soon! 

I'm thinkin' about ya! Give us a call if you wanna or need to!

NO WAY!?  you're moving to GR?  That would be awesome! 
You need anything call me.  I can drop stuff off...pick stuff up...and when it comes to houses/apartment I can look at them and get pics whatever.  ANYTHING!  I mean ANYTHING you let me know.

Thanks, Lin!!! I'll keep you posted on the job situation. let me know if you hear of any good environmental jobs, eh?

[lins_saving_grace]

UPDATE! 
6 days sober and counting!  It's like a completely different person. 

[DakotaMom]

I'm very glad to hear this Lin.