what about ME? just a rant

[schelmischekitty]

i've been a little upset lately, because my hubby has decided that i don't give him enough attention, and is now constantly starting fights about that.  i get aggravated at him because i spend all day trying to keep the house clean, entertaining the kids, taking care of the dogs, etc.  it's a full time job here and he doesn't think it is.  the second i wake up, it's all about the kids, and potty the dogs.  the kids take a nap and it's all about feeding, watering, etc of the dogs.  i get done with the dogs and it's back to the kids.  when the kids finally get to bed, brandon walks in the door and it's all about him then.  i don't even have time for MSN messenger anymore, only pop on to post then chase the kids.  finally somewhere around 11 or 12, i just crash and sometimes can't even make it to the bed b/c i'm so tired.  i stay so busy here at the house trying to keep everyone happy that i've gotten very unhappy myself.  in 8 months, i've made one "associate" (my neighbor) and my only friends are the people who work at the store.  sad.  pathetic.  i hate it.  i don't even know how to make friends anymore. i'm antisocial, i have a social phobia about new people, the only way i've found to get around that and to be comfortable is to take a dog with me.  lately, it's gotten where i only get to go somwhere with the dogs once a month, other than that i only go grocery shopping and to get dog food.  i've found that my hubby is very immature in what he expects of me.  he just doesn't understand, regardless of how i try to explain, or how many times.  it's like i get done explaining and he's standing in the middle of a room screaming he wants attention.  i try really hard to keep up but i've been so stressed that i get sick and can't stop puking, i feel sick to my stomach constantly, and have a lot of heartburn.  i go through two bottles of malox a week now trying to get my stomach calmed down, i honestly think i might have an ulcer.  if it's not my stomach it's a headache that will keep me in bed, or i'm plain exhausted and falling asleep within 5 minutes of sitting down.  my hubby just doesn't understand i'm giving him all the attention i can, and he just won't accept that i HAVE to have a break soon or i'll end up losing my mind from all the stress.  does anyone have advice on how to get him to understand??

[2Criminals]

Take the weekend off, go visit someone and leave him alone with the dogs and kids....he'll understand in a hurry!

[schelmischekitty]

the problem with our relationship is that he works 6 days a week, leaves before the kids get up and gets home after they're asleep and typically after i'm almost done with my chores, at which time he takes his 30-45 minute shower and i'm 9/10 done, and then complains he's "worked all day."  by this time it's almost 10 usually.  i've tried to do the you do this and i'll do that, but it only works occasionally on sundays because he says it's his day off and he wants a break at which time i usually scream at him (at least in my head) "where's MY day off?!"  i've even brought that up in our arguments at which time he is so nice to make the comment that i don't "work," so how hard can it be for me.  every three day or vacation he remembers how hard it can be being a stay at home mom, but then within a week he forgets.  we have a lot of problems because his mother did do all his things until the day he moved out (he had NO chores at all, ever!), and then after that he's spent about half of our married days (it'll be 4 years in may) deployed in iraq.  in both situations, he's been completely ignorant of how a marriage works.  i've told him more than once that i'm not his momma and if my own kids don't have my titty so far in their mouth they gag, he won't either.  my kids have and do more chores than he does, and they're 1 and 3!

[VdogLover]

OHHH wait you forget~
1: Stay at home Moms sit around watching TV and eating
bon-bons all day don't they?

2:The dogs were your choice to own so you can't count them into your work load. You brought that on yourself~

3: When getting married you also said in your vows (you just don't remember) I promise to treat my husband as a child until death blah blah blah.......

Sorry I'm lacking in love for the husband!! But really don't feel alone take a vacation to clear your head if you can.


BTW: I have heard all the above out of my husbands mouth~

[schelmischekitty]

i knew you guys would know what i'm talking about!  i sat hubby down this afternoon and explained it all in simple words, and he sat looking at me with a very blank look on his face.  you could just see the confusion dripping off of him.  sadly, my dogs are easier to take care of than ANYthing in my house, even considering i have 5!  those 3 small print comments are right on target!

[ZooCrew]

Ah, another military wife.  Dearie, it's not a surprise that most of the military people I've met are either divorced, going to be divorced, or are on their second, third or more marriage.  I speak from experience, I'm married to a recently retired (after 21 yrs) Marine.

We've been married for almost 5 yrs and your story sounds oh so familiar.  It sounds horrible, but we've been apart now for almost a year (he in Chicago, me in Minneapolis while he looked for work, and now a house) and I have no problem with being apart (in fact, it's a nice vacation) other than I'm living with my parents right now (a whole other vent right there)

Military guys are in a league of their own.  Most I've met are momma's boys,  my husband is no exception. Which means they didn't have much resposibility before joining, and although their job is tough, have no idea how to take care of themselves outside of their jobs.  Most do know how to do domestic chores, but are used to someone else doing it for them, so why bother doing it themselves?  I hear ya honey.

First of all, take a vacation.  Go visit some friends, go to a spa, go somewhere for a few days and leave him to deal with the mess at home.  After those few days, sit down with him and have a heart to heart w/o shouting (if possible).  Ask him what he thinks you do all day.  Ask him what he thinks his responsibiliti es should be around the house and why.  Ask him what he thinks your responsibiliti es should be.  Explain to him why you need some time to yourself now and again.  Explain that it would be oh so helpful if he could lift a finger now and again (and not the finger he would want to lift).

Also, you guys should set up a "date night" once in awhile to reconnect.  Get a babysitter an go see a movie or go out to dinner or just spend some time together and relax.

Just remember that depending on his job, he is also under an enourmous amount of stress in his job.  One reason my husband had to finally retire, the stress of his job was causing some medical problems that just weren't worth it anymore.  Working 6 days a week after so long can really get to someone. And everyone deals with it differently.  Just asking him how his day went can mean a whole lot to those guys.  I'm surprised at his hours, he must work in a special division as most military shifts are normal 8-5/9-6 M-F

The best thing to do if just talk it out.  Take the time to listen, too.  I hope things improve for you and don't worry, we've all been there at one point or another. 

[schelmischekitty]

sadly, about the stress, i would normally agree (82nd airborne).  but, that being said, right now he is on a temporary assignment being a recruiter, so the absolute worst that can happen to him is if he doesn't get anyone in the army a month he has to go to a day of training.