I can't live without them anymore!

[Scootergirl]

Well, some of you know my husband and I are getting a divorce. For the past 3 months I have let him stay at the house with the dogs and cats and I have been staying at my new boyfriend's place. Aaron (new guy) and I go get Kentucky and Derby as often as we an during the week to walk them and I go to the house regularly to love on everyone else. Johann (soon to be ex) takes Rocko with him on his jobs (he's driving hotshot locally right now).

Well, ever since all this started going down, Johann said I could have the house (several times) and all he wanted was his truck and tools. Fine. A couple of weeks ago I told him I wanted to move back into the house by July 1. He said, "where am I supposed to live?" I said, "somewhere that's not here."

I'm crying myself to sleep almost every night because I miss my dogs and cats so much. He's already let 2 of my cats out of the house and no one has seen them since. Two other cats he's put out on the porch where they get little to no affection and I noticed today one of them has lost weight.

Derby is quite skinny now - although the other dogs look fine. I know he loves the dogs, but sometimes he's gone overnight so I don't think they get fed regularly.

And now, he says he doesn't want to let me have the house. He says he just keeps looking around and doesn't want to give up something he's put so much time into. We really haven't done a lot to the house. In fact, he's the king of half-finished projects and there are about a dozen major things that need to be done there - flooring in the bedroom, new carpet in the other 2 bedrooms, wallpaper or paint in one bathroom, floorboards replaced, doors replaced...

Meanwhile I'm dying 'cause I don't have my babies, I don't have $$ for a divorce and to top it all off, I'm still paying 80% of the bills - 100% of the mortgage, his health insurance, homeowner's insurance, his car insurance (up until last week - finally), etc. He just started paying the electricity and water bills. I was paying everything and not getting to live there. I've been paying for everything myself since October - and he thinks he can have the house??

I need some advice...

Meanwhile, here are some pix of our outing with Kentucky and Derby today:

[jabear]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how tough this situation is and wish that there was an easy way to end the whole thing. I hope and pray that you get to be with your babies again soon. Hugs to you and prayers for a quick end to this terrible situation.

[Brownis15]

Those are great pictures, I am so sorry thaat this is happening to you. How frustrating and difficult.

[Scootergirl]

no pets allowed here, or trust me - they'd be here already. I already told him I'm dropping his health insurance, but I really don't want to have to until he has gotten some on his own. I know it's hard to get things covered if you have a lapse in coverage and I don't want him to have to deal with that. I'm trying to be as nice as I can. I don't know how to get him out if he's already in posession of the house and Louisiana laws are so stupid, everything is community property if you're married so techinically, if I decide to push it, he'll find out that I'll have to buy him out if I keep the house and it's contested.

[Scootergirl]

Well, I'd stop paying the mortgage, but I don't want the house to get foreclosed on and I don't want any more black marks on my credit, either. I know I'm being too nice, but I'm really trying to be the better person. I guess I should just paint "Welcome. Please wipe your feet" across my forehead, eh?

[MagicM3]

I don't think you should put that sign on your forehead.

If you are paying all these expensenses,he certiantly is taking advantage.

Do you want the house???
That is the question.

That would be the threat I would give him.
If you are staying then I want my half of it's worth.
And I certiantly wouldn't be paying any utilities on it.

If he wants the house he will have to pay if he doesn't then he needs to find other lodgings.

Once you get some of these bills that are his off your back you can find a place (If not your house)

and then get your babies out of that situtation.

I know that I could not live without my fur kids.

Tricia and the fur kids

[kathryn]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this right not.  I'm separated and share the house with estranged husband.  He has his room and I have mine because I promised that I wouldn't screw my credit up anymore than it already is and I wouldn't mess his up either.  I'm working on paying off the bills before I can afford a divorce.  I'm telling you that to let you know that you aren't alone in something like this. 

Anyway, I would move back into the house.  He doesn't get an option of allowing you to move back in because you are paying the bills.  I would stop his car and health insurance payments.  Depending on how nasty I wanted to be I would either give him a deadline to find some or I would just cancel it.  Another option is to tell him that he can stay in the house with you as long as he helps finish all the remodeling projects that you want done.  Tell him you are planning on selling the house but it won't sell without the stuff getting done. 

I don't know your situation with Johann so I'm not sure if any of this will help you or not.  Luckily, for me I have been able to coexist with my roommate civilly and friendly.  I hope this helps and if you need anything let me know. 

Kat

[EllieAndBlu]

Oh Jeanne - I am so sorry you are having to go through this!  I agree with all that has been posted, esp. with what Tina says.... get yourself an attorney... to protect you and your babies!

Hang in there sweetie... hopefully it will all be over soon. Please remember we are all here for you!

[Anakalia]

Jeanne, I'm so sorry you're going through all this!  Everyone's given great advice, and I agree a lawyer would help tremendously.  Hopefully soon you'll be back with your furbabies, you'll be in my thoughts, and I'm sending tons of positive vibes your way!

[Scootergirl]

OK. OK. I'm calling about a lawyer today. We have an Employee Assistance Program though work and I think they may help with legal assistance.

Kat - I wish I could do what you do, but the house isn't big enough to share with him and I'm afraid he would try to take advantage of that situation. Good for you for making that arrangement, though.

I'll let y'all know what happens.

[Gracie Belle]

I don't think I could offer any more advice as you've gotten some really good suggestions.  I agree with a lot that has been said and especially where the attorney is concerned. You have a really nice support system here and we are all pulling for you and your babies.  I wish you lots of luck in all of this and I'm sending tons of positive vibes your way for an overdue reunion of you and your furkids. 

[bluskygirl]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can tell you from my experience, he will continue to take advantage of you for as long as he can. 

I've been divorced for 3 years now. It was amicable and we did it all without lawyers, BUT he lets me know that he doesn't respect my life or me on a regular basis... i.e. shows up late to get the boys on his night when he knows I have to work, not calling me to tell me about important scheduling concerns, not paying me child support, etc.  I don't fight him over it because I think it's more advantageous for my boys to have two parents that can be in the same room together (We even spend Christmas together). If I fight, he'll get nasty and he'll stay nasty. His favorite thing in the world is revenge. I can understand how hard it is to want to push the situation in the right direction. I agree with everyone else though, you have to do it.  In the end, I will have to do it to and hope that I can handle his nastiness. 

Best of luck, and hang in there. 

[dohertyswissy]

Jeanne - First and foremost, I am so sorry to hear this and I can say I know exactly what you are going through.  It is very hard to be tough and, what in one's mind they deem "insensitive", when you've been with someone for such a long time.  While you might realize the marriage is over and you are comfortable with that, sometimes it is hard to let go.  I know I did alot of stupid (in retrospect mind you), just because I didn't want to drive anymore conflict and just plain didn't want to deal with it.  You soon-to-be ex is taking advantage of the situation.  You must, must, must get a lawyer.  I know it sucks and it seems evil, but someone needs to look out for your best interest and like it or not, divorces are very emotional and sometimes, well, you just can't think damn straight! 

If you need to chat, I'm here.  I've been there. 

Hugs,
Heather

[Scootergirl]

Thanks for the support everyone. I called our Employee Assistance Plan today and they will find me a free 30-minute consultation with a local lawyer then get me a discount on his/her services as well. So, I should hear back from them in a couple of days on who I can go see.

More good news, Johann sent me a text message today saying he applied for health insurance and is just waiting to hear if he is accepted. There is a question on a pre-existing condition after he broke his leg last hear - he has pins in it and I guess they are checking if that's going to be a problem later on.

If he gets accepted it will go into effect June 1 so I can drop him from my health insurance then. I'm also going to cancel the cable this week. He can hook it back up if he wants it. Aaron and I are going to start looking at houses. I think I have him convinced that that's the only way I will be truly happy and stop my incessant crying at night - is if I can find a place to live with my babies again.