Author Topic: Problem with a sub  (Read 4461 times)

Offline dober_gurl

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Problem with a sub
« on: April 17, 2008, 06:10:02 am »
So we have this regular substitute teacher on my school, let's call him Jeff, and well Jeff is pretty young about 26 years old and has a sister, I don't know her, that goes to the high school. He's a very relaxed teacher and was subbing regularly for one of my classes after my teacher had surgery. Well he always came and sat by me in class and we would talk, he's a pretty friendly guy. Anyways one day he bothered me by making a lesbian based joke towards me and a girlfriend. It bothered me and I mentioned what he said to a guy friend but he said that Jeff was cool and he didn't mean anything by it so I blew it off. Well Jeff and I continued to be "cool" with each other and talk but after awhile I really got bothered by the fact he would seek me out in class and sit by me the whole hour. I mean I didn't want to chat with my friends when this grown man was listening to my conversations! So I started ignoring him and finally our teacher got back and no more Jeff in my class. Well I saw Jeff the other day in another class(not mine) but next to mine so I thought I was stop by before class and just say hi. So I did and we talked for a second before I moved on. Well last night I went to check myspace and he had an add for me and sent me a message saying basically "hey what's up, how are things going, blah blah blah" Now this is just me. But I was seriously bothered by the fact that he found me on myspace. I never told him I had a myspace nor requested him to add me. I feel extremely weired out by this all and I want to know if I should feel weired about this whole thing or if I'm overreacting. I really feel like I led him to believe I wanted to talk to him more or whatnot so I don't know what to do now, I definitely don't want him to see my myspace, which is thankfull private. So what should I do?
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Offline People Whisperer

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2008, 06:15:28 am »
Just tell him that he crossed the line and you wish for him to back off...pretty simple :-\ Being honest and straight forward is the best way to protect yourself :-*
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Nicole

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2008, 07:05:42 am »
Ok. That is totally inappropriate, Megan. He shouldn't be doing that. Reject his add request. But, to be honest with you, I wouldn't tell him anything. I would reject it and tell a teacher you trust or your counselor or something.

It is HIS obligation to be responsible, not your obligation to explain to him how to be appropriate. You shouldn't have to talk to him at all.

To be honest with you, I think that you should report him no matter what. Just tell Mr. Fransesconi or someone. He shouldn't be working with young girls. He can't handle it.

Michigan City hires the most ghetto subs. I swear. Of course, for $50/day, I don't know what they expect.

Nicole

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2008, 07:24:22 am »
I just asked Mark what he thought. He said that it isn't your responsibility to figure out how to handle it. Just reject his friend request and then tell Fransesconi or whatever.

Offline BalthiesMom

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2008, 08:11:30 am »
Yes, yes, yes, to Nicole's advice and the support messages in favor of it.

I would like to ad that it might feel or be different if you knew this "Jeff" BEFORE he was a substitute, but he met you as a **student** here: not a social equal or a friend. Being a teacher...subs titute or otherwise...is not a leg up into social networking with students.  It's a position of power and authority...an d therefore, responsibility .

"Jeff" might just be a really nice guy who thinks you're cool, isn't thinking about it, and means no harm at all.  He might be a total creep who has something inappropriate in mind (even beyond the MySpace addition and such).  Either way, he seems, based on your description, to have poor boundaries and to miss social cues and such from you.

Nobody begins an inappropriate teacher/student relationship successfully without *seeming* harmless at FIRST.  It's later that the creepy stuff gradually seeps into what a student once thought was "different, but cool and okay."

You have a bad feeling.  That's enough to go on.  Go to a teacher you know and trust, and just let them know.  You don't have to be mean, or feel like you're doing anything wrong, and you do not have to second-guess yourself or worry if you're "reading too much into" it.  You are at least in HS, yes?  And so far, has any other teacher of yours creeped you out or tried to add you to a MySpace friend page?  If you're getting these feelings off of him specifically, it might very well be because there is something off about HIM, specifically.

MySpace and teachers has become a gray area of morals and ethics and responsibiliti es these days, and it's just plain sad. Don't add him, but do tell someone. :)

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Offline Scootergirl

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2008, 09:05:32 am »
I have to chime in and echo the last few responses. Please, PLEASE tell someone - even if his intentions were purely innocent (which I doubt) he has to have someone in authority let him know that he crossed the line - several times. A teacher, leader, mentor, whatever - to high school, jr. high, elementary, etc. students should NOT tell inappropriate jokes that might possibly be offensive or uncomfortable to ANYONE.

They should NOT seek socialization outside of the classroom (via myspace or any other means unless they are coaching a school-sponsored team, etc.).

They should NOT show favoritism to any one student or group of students.

Our teachers (substitute or permanent) should be role models to the entire class and should NEVER make their students feel uncomfortable or OOGY.

Please tell someone at the school you trust AND tell your parents so they know what's going on too - they should, at least, make sure "Jeff" gets reprimanded and coached on appropriate contact with students.

Now, a couple words of caution: do NOT gossip about this with your friends at school - it WILL get back to his sister who WILL tell him and it WILL make this uncomfortable situation even more uncomfortable for you.

Finally DO NOT feel one ounce of guilt about this or whatever happens to Jeff. YOU are NOT responsible for HIS inappropriate actions. You are (sorry, honey) a child and he is an adult. He is old enough to know on some level that his actions, at the very least, border on WRONG and he obviously needs another adult to stop him before he does cross that border - either with you or another young girl who doesn't have the maturity level to understand why this is wrong.

I'm glad you came to us - you have about 100 big sisters and a few big brothers right here and if this needs to be taken to the next level, we're all coming to Michigan and he won't be able to hide from "The Family"!
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Offline kathryn

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2008, 09:23:23 am »
I'm going to agree with what everyone else has already said.  Just wanted to tell you that you have great instincts so trust them and yourself.  If it feels weird or wrong to you then it is weird and wrong.  You don't need to explain or justify that to anyone especially Jeff.   
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Offline London_Pyr_Lover

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2008, 11:42:01 pm »
Hey Megan, I too wanted to add my 2 cents. 
I agree whole heartedly with everything everyone has said. 
There are very specific boundries that teachers have to adhere to, whether substitute or otherwise.  Teachers are there to teach, and to mentor, not be be your friend.  There is nothing wrong with you wanting to be friendly with him, you are a friendly girl.  But there is a difference between being friendly and being friends.  A teacher can be friendly, but should not attempt to be friends, it does seem a little creepy to me, especially since he made a seemingly "innocent" but still offensive "lesbian" joke to you.  That's not cool. 
You're a smart girl, and I know that you do not make rash or impulse decisions about things, go with your gut, it's telling you that there is something wrong here, and there is.  Deal with this before it gets out of hand. 
I know that we all like to think the best of people and not think that bad things can happen, but this is exactly how restraining orders start.  So lets nip this in the bud before it has the chance to get out of hand.  ;)  I would do what Nicole said.  Keep the friend request, but do not accept it, show it to your principal, but make sure that when disiplinary actions are taken that it is done annonomously (sp?).  You don't want this getting back to you in any way. 
Good luck sweety.  You're doing the right thing by reporting it, trust me.  ;)
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lins_saving_grace

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2008, 08:44:38 am »
he can be fired for harrassing you like that.  even a sub teacher needs to remain objective and think with the right head.  That is plain and simple sexual harrassment and if it continues, you should report him to your principal, who will know what authorities are the right ones to contact.  If it happens to you it will happen to someone else.  Who needs a pedifile teaching in schools and taking advantage of young impressionable girls.  That whole lesbian joke was way out of line.

Offline Pyr Heaven

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2008, 11:42:44 am »
I dont have anything else to add here, but everyone else is right.

Ugh, creepy men.


Sorta reminds me of this guy on the highway I saw today. (ok, he wasn't ON the highway...he was in a car driving on the highway)...in his BMW. He was probably like 30 something...an d his license plate said, "18n Up"....I don't even want to think about what he meant by that ::) Nasty pervert. Not to mention he was driving like a friggin' maniac!!! >:(
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Nicole

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2008, 10:43:08 pm »
Who needs a pedifile teaching in schools and taking advantage of young impressionable girls.  That whole lesbian joke was way out of line.

I just want to say before we all get worked up here. He's definitely abusing his authority in the situation, but I would say that by no means does this characterize him as a pedophile.

Megan is a beautiful young woman, not a pre-pubescent child. There's a world of difference.

I say this not to correct you, Lin, but only so that we're not blowing the situation out of proportion and freaking Megan out even further. Yes, he's taking advantage of a situation he has authority in, and yes, he's totally inappropriate, but he isn't (based on what Megan has told us) a pedophile.

:) I just think its important with these types of situations to really look at what is ACTUALLY wrong here, and not what our emotions easily let us believe.

lins_saving_grace

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2008, 10:58:44 pm »
I am terribly sorry.  I will leave this post alone.

Nicole

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2008, 12:04:46 am »
I am terribly sorry.  I will leave this post alone.

Not my intention! I've just seen what can happen when we let emotions take over. I don't mean to be preachy, I'm just making sure we don't make it sound like a worse situation than it is.

Offline Apreston

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Re: Problem with a sub
« Reply #13 on: April 20, 2008, 01:17:52 am »
I have to agree with everyone here.
It's always better to be safe.... report him and his behaviour to someone of higher stature than him and possibly set up a metting with the 3 of you. So the first time this sub (Jeff) hears about your issues with him will be infront of someone who will protect you. I would definelty NOT talk to him alone...like I said it ALWAYS better to be safe.
Good Luck...   :)