Facebook Blast from the Past....Need Advice!

[DenverFurKiddos]

Ok...I really need some advice here!!  So, I guess this is what happens when you use Facebook, but I really wasn't ready for this...

Last week, I received a message on my Facebook account from my ex-boyfriend in college.  Read: the boy that shattered, crushed, and tore my heart in two.  Knowing what I know now, I can guess that he was probably bi-polar, which would explain the periods of time when I would see his kindness, intelligence, and care for me.....then, all of the sudden,
BOOM!! He would disappear into a hard-core party scene, started doing cocaine, and cheated on me WITH A STRIPPER!!  Disgusting!!! Anyway, I (of course) broke-up with him after the cheating, but we always managed to stay in-touch and occasionally see each other. Stupid--I know.  He eventually left school when I'm guessing the partying got out of hand, and I called his parents after he became suicidal. 

It was just so sad for me to watch all of this- He came from an EXCELLENT family, he graduated with a 3.9gpa, was the quarterback of the football team, was in the best fraternity, and supported himself through modeling.  Then, he threw it all away.   

The GOOD that came out of all this, is that he made me realize that trust, respect, real love are what I needed in a relationship- and I found all those things in my wonderful husband, and I never looked back.  UNTIL last week!

Sorry, this is getting long, just needed to give the background....

So, NOW, he has contacted me; he's married, and he's a "health nut."  No more partying, he took over the family business, and it seems that his life is on track.  I congratulated him and said that I'm happy for him.  He wrote back saying that he wanted to see me. 

Given that my relationship with the ex was based on MISTRUST, I didn't want that to carry over into my marriage, so I told my husband.  He's not happy about him wanting to meet me, but begrudingly said that it was OK. 

I'm feeling like he has a purpose for meeting me, as I tried to dodge the bullet twice, and he's persistent.  I DO NOT feel like this would be an try at a romantic encounter...ma ybe more of like one of the 12 steps where you have to apologize for all the sh*t you've done.  And, there's a part of me that needs to hear that apology too....

So, the bottom line is....would you go?

[marypyrs]

One word. "No". (But that's just me.) 

[KiraNGunnersmom]

I have always said the past is just that the past.....and leave it there.
I would not meet with him.  IMO, he can apologize over IM if that is what he needs to do.  What if his recovery is a lie?  I dont know many that would update with, "yeah, im still a loser."  Just be careful.  I know I sound bitter, but I saw a beautiful person get his life ruined and lose so much because his psycho ex needed to see him.  That in itself is a long and sad story.

[VdogLover]

My question is...Be honest with yourself...Do you still need closure from this ex?

If so, I would go and close that door... for doors left cracked often fly open in the wind.

If not, leave that door closed, lock it, and walk away.

[Ali]

No no no no no no...It's great that you were honest with your husband, but evident from his response that while he wants to please you, he doesn't want you to go. PLUS, and this is horribly cynical and judgemental of me, probably because of my history working in the criminal mental health field for sooo long - the guy is smart, but probably bi-polar. Sounds like he was pretty cruel. You broke up with him (sure, he cheated, but you're the one that dumped him), you told his parents when he was suicidal. How can you be certain that his TRUE reason for wanting to meet is to "chat" and not for, well, revenge. It sounds dramatic, I know - I said I was cynical. He could have very malevolent reasons for luring you to a meeting. I'd stay away....FAR away. If he needs to apologize, he can do it via email. That's as close as he should get.

[Scootergirl]

Well, first of all, remember that he can say ANYTHING on line - that doesn't make it true.

2nd, if he really needs to see you, why don't you suggest you and your husband get together for dinner with him and his wife. That way, your husband can be more comfortable that you have no alterior motives for seeing your ex and, if the ex doesn't like this arrangement then his motives are probably not innocent - or he hasn't been honest with his wife about his past.

[DenverFurKiddos]

Ahhh....Thanks for the reality check!  Holy crap, Ali!  I never even considered that he would have malevolent motives!  While I don't think that's what this is about, it's interesting to consider all sides! 

[DenverFurKiddos]

if the ex doesn't like this arrangement then his motives are probably not innocent - or he hasn't been honest with his wife about his past.

Totally!  When I wrote him saying that I would need to make sure that my husband would be OK with meeting, he wrote back maybe 10 minutes later, saying that he had checked with his wife and she was "fine" with it.  I think that's BS!!!  I don't think that this is something that you just "check in" about....hubby and I talked about it for AWHILE!

[Scootergirl]

Exactly, like I said - you can say anything over the internet. That doesn't make it true. He's starting to sound a little pushy. By all means, if you do meet in person, don't go without hubby - and I'm starting to think anything he has to say to you can be said in an email - unless he wants to pay restitution for all your pain and suffering by handing you a fat check! 

[TannerW]

My ex-girlfriend from 4th grade contacted me through MySpace a couple of years ago.  We got together a couple of times, and I wasn't at all surprised to find out that she'd grown into a stunningly gorgeous woman.  But, in the end, we just weren't the right fit for one another, and went our separate ways.  No big deal.  I was just happy to see her again and know that she's doing well.

The catch here is that her and I were both SINGLE and had gone out in ELEMENTARY school.  We didn't meet up with any unfinished business on our lips or deep-rooted emotions pushed to the bottom of our stomaches.  If anything, it was two long lost friends meeting up for the first time since childhood - and, in that regard, it worked out beautifully.

Your circumstances happened during college, though.  And, while most people aren't emotionally matured by college, they're certainly aware of what's right and wrong when it comes to the treatment of another human being.  I'm not of the belief that those personality traits just vanish, either.  I think they just find other ways to manifest.

If this guy simply wants to apologize for being a jerk to you in college, let him do it through Facebook - and then tell him to get off the computer and go spend some time with his wife. 

If it's an issue that YOU need face-to-face closure for, I'd definitely bring your husband.  Let this guy say what he needs to say, make sure YOU say what you need to say, then go back to your respective lives.

But the bottom line for me is that I'd completely question the motives of ANY married man (women too, but especially a married man) incessantly requesting to meet face-to-face with his old girlfriend.

[DenverFurKiddos]

Thanks, everyone, for your input....I REALLY appreciate your thoughtfulness and insight.  So, after much thought, I realized that I was growing resentful of him...AGAIN!  Not only was my head spinning (again) from thinking about it all, but I can't believe that I was actually thinking about putting HIS needs to see me over the feelings of my husband.  And, I guess, I'm pretty annoyed at myself for even beginning to fall into his little web. 

So, as of about two minutes ago, I just wrote back and said that I would not be seeing him or meeting him anywhere, and if he had anything that he wanted to say to me, that's what Facebook is for.  Ah!  That felt good, if I do say so myself!!!

I'll let you know what happens!  Thanks again!

[Scootergirl]

YAY! Way to take control!!

[Ali]

Great choice! Your husband is probably feeling really good and loving you to pieces right now!

[Nina]

Good for you. You did the right thing. 

[DenverFurKiddos]

Ok!  So, the door is offically nailed shut...at least on my end!  This was his reply:
"All right, well, I thought that after 10 years of nothing and both of us being married, eating in a public place,it would not be a big deal, but I respect your decision. I hope to catch up sometime else."

End of story...finall y!  Thanks, again, for all the support!