Author Topic: How do I talk hubby out of this?  (Read 11133 times)

Offline amberdoggoneit

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How do I talk hubby out of this?
« on: August 19, 2008, 11:50:09 am »
After last nights events, my husband ws talking to his MOTHER about it.  Now dont get me wrong but my MIL and I get along fine but now he is trying to talk my husband into making me get rid of the dogs!!!!

I am livid!! >:( >:( >:(  I know it probably worries her about what happened last night but she doesnt understand.  She told him that they had a dog for a year when he was two and the dog "bit" him.  Which I found out was a nip because she had broken her leg and he grabbed it.  She immediatley had the dog put down. 

How do I let him see that having the dogs around the baby is a great thing?  He said that maybe we should talk about it and see our options but there is no other option for me. I grew up with dogs and was fine why cant my daughter.  He said that we have 3 options. 

1. Make all 3 outside dogs. (They have never been outside a full day in their lives)
2. Downsize (Get rid of two and only keep one)
3. Get rid of all of them together and wait until Payton is older to get a dog. 

Which is funny because his mother just sent me an email telling me those three things.  This means that she is telling him he needs to do this. Not just 3 days ago he was telling me how great it was going to be that our daughter wasnt going to be scared of dogs because she is growing up with them.

HELP!!!!
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Offline vmimom2006

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2008, 12:03:18 pm »
Oh no! My mother-in-law always told me to get rid of my cats because they would smother the baby. So the first pic I sent had the cat laying in the crib with my son. Not trying to make light of your situation. Really I feel so bad for you. Animals teach our children responsibility and unconditional love. When we have to yell at them or they are having a bad day I would find my boys with either the dog or cats. They just loved have those soft furry friends console them.  Hubby needs to use his own voice (probably going to be harder than it sounds though). Gee why do these things have to happen! :-[
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Offline London_Pyr_Lover

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2008, 12:09:34 pm »
Gosh, I'm sorry, this is all around an awkward situation.  I can't tell you what you should do, all I can do is tell you what I would do, but I'm not you, and I know nothing of your life and your family dynamics.  

I would personally flat out refuse to "get rid" of any of the dogs.  What happened last night, as horrible as it is, was without a doubt an accident.  There is no reason why you should have to get rid of your fur babies for an accident.  I bit my little sister a few times when I was a child, did my parents "get rid" of me?  Even though I'm sure sometimes they wanted to.  Don't punish the dog for negligence on your husbands part (I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, it's not meant to be.), the dog does not have a history of biting or aggression.  

Your husband really should leave his mother out of it as well, although she loves you and her grand daughter, she really doesn't know the dogs very well, nor does she obviously care about them.  You do.  These are YOUR dogs, not hers, she wants to take the easy way out, and to her the easy was is to kill them.  The easy way for any of us here is to go back to basics and retrain.  Take more walks, start NILIF, give the pups some quality time where they can de-stress.  

That's what I would do.  good luck with whatever decision you make, and don't let anybody push you around, especially your MIL.

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Offline ZooCrew

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #3 on: August 19, 2008, 12:47:13 pm »
I'm sorry to hear that your husband has allowed his mother to influence a decision that you should be making together.  What she thinks should have no bearing on anything.

Since it sounds like you had already had a sit down with hubby, maybe have another one and ask him why is he changing his mind?  It sounds like you both agreed what happened was an accident.  So what has changed since then?

Him giving you those 3 options (which sound almost like an ultimatum) do not take your opinion or feelings into the matter at all.

Dogs will be dogs.  Kids will be kids.  I have been bitten by my own dog (Keiko) on a couple of occasions, once drawing blood, but nothing serious.  She is fear aggressive and I have learned how to work around that and there have been no incidents in over 4 yrs now.  I would never imagine getting rid of her or putting her to sleep.  I just had to change how I approached her in certain situations.

I think your husband is being overprotective as a new dad and is thinking of the new baby and what "may" happen.  Which is fine.  But he is overreacting to the situation, with some help by the mil.  I am going to assume that hubby does not think of the dogs in the same way that you do or he wouldn't even be considering this.  I hope you can both calmly and rationally come to a mutual agreement that is good for everyone, dogs included.

Offline People Whisperer

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #4 on: August 19, 2008, 02:20:52 pm »
I can't believe your MIL and husband blew this whole thing out of proportion! It's not like the dog actually attacked him. I don't see how they can talk about getting rid of YOUR dogs like you don't exist  :P :-\ Everybody gave you great advise and I really hope you can work something out with your family. You can easily keep dogs away from a child until you and your husband start trusting the pup. Baby gates would take care of this  ;) Good luck Amber!
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Offline amberdoggoneit

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #5 on: August 19, 2008, 02:28:13 pm »
I completely agree.  Everything he is saying came straight from his mother.  She called me telling me that I would be a bad mom if I kept a "vicious" dog around HER granddaughter. 

I proceeded to tell her that MY daughter wasnt around a vicious dog.  Just NORMAL dogs that react to different situations.  Well I am NOT getting rid of any of the dogs.  I refuse.  I am the one that deals with them day in and day out. Hubby goes out of town too much for him to know what they are really like.

We are going to discuss things when he gets home in alittle while.   
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AudgePadge

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #6 on: August 19, 2008, 02:41:57 pm »
good luck!!!!!!!!  I'm so sorry you have to go through this... I'm rooting for ya!

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #7 on: August 19, 2008, 03:52:02 pm »
In answer to your question; Calmly and rationally. I know this will be extremely hard to do given the emotional impact of what is at stake. And you may not feel this way at the moment but I believe it will help keep defensiveness down so the conversation can stay on topic. Tell him you appreciate your MIL's concerns, but she does not know all the facts. Ask him to please not discuss your issues with his mom.

Then, be prepared. I have copied some information about Springer Spaniels from different sources. Perhaps learning a little more about the breed will help him feel better and go back to realizing there were some extenuating circumstances last night. Encourage him to look up the breed himself. (This will also give him ammo when his mother insists he do something about those awful dogs - you know she will!) ;)

Next, do let him know how heart broken you would be if anything happened to the pups. Be sincere, but again not combative. They are companions for you while he is away. Tell him how hurt you feel that he would not trust you to keep the baby safe.

And lastly, in the spirit of compromise ask him for time. Let's see how things go for the next 4 weeks. If you still have concerns we'll talk about it then. My guess is after a month with no incidents it will be shifted to the back burner and finally forgotten.

These are only some opinions from a very outside observer. Hope they offer some help. :)

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"English Springer Spaniel Temperament
The English Springer Spaniel is a very sweet and affectionate dog, with a gentle temper and pleasing disposition. Not inclined to fight with other dogs, he is generally considered the family class clown and tend to be an over-achiever, when looking for his master’s praise. While many Spaniels tend to be ill-suited for homes with small children, more often than not, the English Springer Spaniel is very patient with the smaller members of the family and will endure far more ear-tugging and tail-pulling than other breeds. If anything, care should be taken with the Springer Spaniel, in the company of other dogs, so as to protect them from more aggressive animals. The English Springer Spaniel may be a capable field dog but, in truth, he’s definitely a lover and not a fighter."

"Temperament
The typical English Springer Spaniel is a happy-go-lucky and eager to please dog. They should be friendly, sociable, playful, and gentle, making them an excellent family dog. They are extremely intelligent and can learn very quickly."

Offline patrick

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #8 on: August 19, 2008, 04:15:44 pm »
I understand your anguish- the dogs are your children also.  But toddlers (or soon to be) and reactive dogs can be a tragedy waiting to occur.  The dog did not just mouth he actually drew blood.  Not much damage was done- to an adult- but what would happen if the same force were applied to a toddler's hand? Or his face or head? Rescues will NOT adopt dogs into homes with toddlers for that reason- even a mild mannered dog can inflict injury unmeaningly.  Both your MIL and husband have valid concerns and a solution should be carefully thought out beyond the boundaries of anger over an ultimatum being given.  Baby gates are an inadequate solution- dogs regularly go through and over them, people forget to close the gate, what happens when the babysitter is there and is not as diligent as you might be?  All things to be considered- that dog will bite again under similar circumstances-I assume he was startled?  Well toddlers screech and wail and run around and flail their arms and throw things and poke the dog in the eye and on and on - very unnerving to even the calmest of dogs. 

Offline VdogLover

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #9 on: August 19, 2008, 04:26:58 pm »
Also, I think that you need to be very clear with your husband that the discussion and family choices are between the two adults committed to one another, not the in laws.

I agree 100%.
My 2 cents not on the direct subject of the dog.... Sorry if you see it as harsh and to the point but I lived the MIL "apron string" problem for many years.

Tell your husband to grow up and stop bringing his Mommy in on your issues. Nip this BS in the butt now or it will soon be showing up in further areas of your life, such as how to raise your human child, where to move, what you should or shouldn't be doing with your time.






« Last Edit: August 19, 2008, 04:28:36 pm by VdogLover »

DenverFurKiddos

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #10 on: August 19, 2008, 06:24:16 pm »
Whoa.  I'm so sorry that you're going through this.  I don't have much more to add, except that I think it will be safe to assume that your husband will not be ok with just "forgetting" about the whole incident.  If I were you, I would validate that it must have been scary to have been bitten, but getting rid of Baxter is only ONE option (a stupid option, but nevertheless, an option).  I'm guessing that he's just wanting some kind of ACTION, even if it is just to appease his mother.  So, encourage him to become activated in a positive way.  You said that he's gone alot; that needs to be addressed, as it is possible that Baxter doesn't recognize him as a pack leader.  Teach your husband about NILF training; make compromises so that he can participate in regular training (e.g., If you work with Baxter, I'll do the dishes....).  Also, develop rules TOGETHER about appropriate behavior that is expected by both your child AND Baxter. As others have said, you guys are a family and this is a FAMILY issue.  He's part of the problem in some way, so he has to be part of the solution.  Period.
« Last Edit: August 19, 2008, 06:25:28 pm by IndyFurKiddos »

Offline maxsmom

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #11 on: August 19, 2008, 06:50:47 pm »
I understand your anguish- the dogs are your children also.  But toddlers (or soon to be) and reactive dogs can be a tragedy waiting to occur.  The dog did not just mouth he actually drew blood.  Not much damage was done- to an adult- but what would happen if the same force were applied to a toddler's hand? Or his face or head? Rescues will NOT adopt dogs into homes with toddlers for that reason- even a mild mannered dog can inflict injury unmeaningly.  Both your MIL and husband have valid concerns and a solution should be carefully thought out beyond the boundaries of anger over an ultimatum being given.  Baby gates are an inadequate solution- dogs regularly go through and over them, people forget to close the gate, what happens when the babysitter is there and is not as diligent as you might be?  All things to be considered- that dog will bite again under similar circumstances-I assume he was startled?  Well toddlers screech and wail and run around and flail their arms and throw things and poke the dog in the eye and on and on - very unnerving to even the calmest of dogs. 

I have to disagree with almost this entire post.  What a dog will accept from an adult and what a dog will accept from a child are sometimes wildly different things.  I watched my springers patience with children and know that they knew the difference.  A child or woman could approach my jeep when my springers were in it and get no reaction at all, other than tongue hanging out and tail wagging.  A man approaching got snarling, barking and growling.  At our vets office a little boy came over petting Hamlet one day and sitting beside him, hugging him.  His father was paying his bill. When the father got ready to go, he snapped at the little boy and practically lifted him off the floor to jerk him out the door.  Hamlet came up with fur up, lips up, growling at the man, to protect the child.  They were both complete strangers to us, but Hamlet was willing to protect the child.  Dogs are smarter and more discerning than we give them credit for.  Don't every assume that what happens between a dog and an adult will be repeated between a child and an adult.  Good luck and I personally would tell my inlaws to shove it where the sun don't shine, but that is just my antisocial personality coming to the fore.  Hubby knows that our home is run by our rules and I don't tolerate any interference with it or my children and dogs. 
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Offline amberdoggoneit

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2008, 07:17:36 pm »
Thanks everyone for the advice.

Well the talk started about the dogs and ended in a HUGE fight about his Mother keeping her nose out of OUR buisness!!!  So we arent speaking right now.  I will let yall now what is going to come of all this.
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Offline ZooCrew

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #13 on: August 19, 2008, 07:46:42 pm »
I'm sorry to hear the initial talk didn't go well.  Men, or maybe i should say boys, can get very defensive about their mommies.    :(

Hopefully once everyone cools down a little you can take another go at it.  Good luck.  :-\

Offline BostonsDad

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Re: How do I talk hubby out of this?
« Reply #14 on: August 19, 2008, 09:37:58 pm »
Kick him in the nuts, her in the dentures, take the kids and pets and run!

Or simply say if the dog goes, you go. Draw a line in the sand. Mothers in Law can be dangerous. But like all potentially lethal poisons, there's always an antidote.

Unfortunately, you may need 40 years and a government research budget of $30 billion to find it.

But if you tell him you're upset, and cry, I'm willing to be he'll cave. Always work on me.

By the way, I'm having a fundraiser...
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