1. YELLOW URKA-GURKAS--Dog runs around the house and hides under furniture while making a prolonged 'uuuurka-guuurka, uuurka-guuurka' noise (this noise is the only thing guaranteed to wake up a true dog lover who is hung over from a post-dog show celebration at 3:30 am). After mad scrambling to capture the dog and drag him outside, the episode ends with an indelible ten-yard line of slimy yellow froth from the living room rug to the back door.
2. BLAP DISEASE--Dog exercises hard and a) eats large mouthfuls of snow (Winter Blap Disease) or b) drinks a bucket of water (Summer Blap Disease). Within 2 minutes of returning inside, the dog spews out large amounts of clear slimy liquid while making a distinctive 'blap' sound and sharp percussive noise as it hits the linoleum.
3. GARKS--Dog suddenly clears his throat with loud and dramatic 'gggaark, gggark,' noises, generally followed by prolonged 'iiikssss' and then loud satisfied smacking noises. There is nothing on the rug. Don't investigate, you don't want to know.
4. RALFS--Apropos of nothing, the dog strolls into the dining room and waits until the innocent dinner guests are all watching him. Then with a single, deep gut-wrenching 'raaaalfff' disgorges the entire week's contents of his stomach on the dining room rug.
5. VARIATION--then he eats it.
In all the above events, the dog is entirely healthy and, indeed, deeply pleased with himself.
-Anonymous
