Today........ was a misadventure day. I was on my way to work. My gas needle was below empty. But it's always below empty. Because I'm poor. And I'd never actually run out of gas before. In this car.... Anyways, I'm going down a hill and I hit the gas and nothing happens. This perplexes me. I hit harder. Car goes "BLAHHHHHHH" and DIES in the middle of the road. "Crap" I say to myself. Here I am alone in a well traveled, nicely lit road in a well to do neighborhood in the middle of the day without my guard dog to protect me. What dastardly things could happen to me in this situation?
Well I call my mom's cell. Voicemail. Call Matt. Phone isn't even on, goes right to voicemail. GRRRRRR HIM! Call Fram's cell. She says to call Mom. I say I DID, but I get her voicemail. Fram says call the school (Mom is in a teacher's conference), and say it's an emergency. Call secretary, who knows me, and say it's a wicked emergency. In about 20 seconds I hear my mom hollering for people to get out of her way, and she gets on the phone all breathless (I must here interject that my mom's conference was 4 floors away from the office phone). "WHAT? ARE YOU OK?" "Mummy, I just ran out of gas." "YOU WHAT?!?!?!?! I thought you were DEAD!" "Mommy I need GAS!!!!!!" "Call AAA." "But I'm POOR and they want money! AAA sucks." "Angela Christine don't say sucks." "Uh Oh a cop" (I have a fear of cops. The Cops in Nashua are wicked crooked. They've been sued so many times it's a wonder the Town Hall hasn't been repossessed). "What's he doing?" "NOTHING, OMG Mom he didn't even stop! What a friggin JERK!" "Well he probably thought you just pulled over to use your phone like you're supposed to. I bet he's commending you." "Mom NO one pulls over to use their phone." "Yes they do." "No they don't. Only old people do." "ANGELA CHRISTINE I AM NOT OLD!" "You pull over to talk on the phone? HAHAHAHAHAHA!" "Stay right there and I'll call you back." "Yeah Mom because I'm gonna go somewhere."
Waiting. (I find out later that she called and started flipping out that here I am stuck on the side of the road and wouldn't even answer my phone! Then she realized she called my sister.) She calls and tells me that Nathan is going to bring me gas. WONDERFUL. Who's Nathan? He's a very nice man she says. Yeah they said that about that TDK guy too. He says "Tell her I carry a gun" in the background. MAHVELOUS and he thinks he's funny. Â
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So I'm waiting and here comes this Mitsubishi Eclipse with this rotund man with a Goatee that looks REALLY small on his face. With him is..... some guy. OK...... Nathan introduces "Pierre". *Must not laugh Must not laugh* I shake the man's hand with some twisted facial expression that resided between Maniacal ponderings and constipation. So withing 38 seconds I come to the conclusion that these are the most mechanically inept men in the WORLD. Took them 5 minutes to figure out how to use the gas can. So they're trying to make conversation.Â
They ask why a little girl like me drives such a big car..... Yeah buddy start with the short cracks. Bast***. I tell them it's for my dog. Nathan says he hates dogs. Uh oh......... He hates the hair, the drooling, the underfootednes
s, the tails wagging and hitting you.... You know all the stuff we love? I think I cut my tongue in half biting it. Then Pierrrrrreee says that his new wife wants a dog but wants it to be in the house. Dogs don't belong in the house. It must be a new england thing. ARGHHHH They ask if I know anyone that lets their dogs in the house. I stare them straight in the eye and say "Everyone I know that still has a soul keeps their dogs in the house." Thankfully the gas can was now empty.
I go to start the car. *Carunka* CRAP. Call Matt's cell. Still no answer. Call Dobles. They didn't answer. They're a huge car conglomerate. They HAVE to answer! They have annoying nasal voiced secretaries to do so. I call AAA, tell them to come and then I call Matt's cell again. Leave a message something like this. "Hi Honey my car ran out of gas, but it's OK cuz I have gas now but it's not starting, it isn't dead, and it isn't the starter cuz it makes noise, goes *Carunka* but it only does it once, and then nothing, but I don't know what it is and I called AAA and they're coming but they didn't want to give me a flat bed but they HAVE to give me one because it's the 4 Wheel drive and now they're gonna make me wait longer and I need your help and you never answer your phone but I love you Bye." Yes all in one breath. I rule.
So then Nathan and Pierrrreee don't want to leave me because they're all gallant and stuff. I glare at them. Dog haters. Spawn of Satan. They give me totally pointless tips. My car isn't starting my starter must be broken. Idiot. Am I sure I ran out of gas? Rube. Have I had problems with my muffler? WHAT?!?!?!?! I say "My boyfriend is a mechanic, he'll figure it out." Oh they suddenly remember that Pierrrrrrrree has an appointment and must get back. TOODLES.Â
About half an hour later my Grandmother comes by. She announces she has come to take me to work, as I am horribly in debt and MUST go to work. She has brought my grandfather to watch the truck till the Tow guy came. I show them how it doesn't work. I give my keys to my grandfather, show him where I hide my AAA card in case he needs it, give him the reference number and leave. Four minutes later we pull into my work's parking lot. My grandmother's phone rings. It's my grandfather. He started my car. HOW? He put the key in. I hate him. I really do.