Dear Dogs and Cats,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to
switch positions with each other so there are still two of
you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your
food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please
note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food
does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish,
nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can
run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am
very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping
on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually
curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow,
and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and
try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years--canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is: kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following
message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don' t want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
Top 10 Reasons Why Dogs and Cats Are Better Than Kids:
10. They eat less
9. Don't ask for money all the time
8. Are easier to train
7. Usually come when called
6. Never drive your car
5. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
4. Don't smoke or drink
3. Don't wear your clothes
2. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college
AND THE NO. 1 REASON DOGS/CATS ARE BETTER THAN KIDS:
If they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
