I am so sorry that things are becoming so difficult for you and your children in the schools that they have attended. I fully understand how frustrating it can be for you to have information come home from your children mouths instead of the teacher when the news is negative.
As a teacher though (4th grade) I can offer a bit of advice for you to talk to your child's teacher about with some suggestions on things that have worked for me and can give you a little of my perspective.Â
1. ADHD- I can't tell you how much more difficult it is to teach kids who have been diagnosed with this when they aren't on meds with all that we are forced to do throughout the day. Having a room full of kids is tough enough let alone having a few who are truly ADHD. I have parents aren't helpful which is sooooo hard to deal with but luckily this is not the case with you and I do agree that being on meds is not the answer. If your child was worse on them though then IMO he is not ADHD and actually has something else. But, here are some tricks you might want to tell the teacher to try with your son so that he can feel successful and learn and not get into trouble for such minor things.
    - If moving is something he needs to do alot (ie. can't sit still) get a chair that has one leg broken (with the bottom thingy missing) so that he can move from side to side to balance. This will allow him to move without making noise.
    - Put a rubberband/rope around his chair legs so that he can kick them or play with them without making noise.
    - Give him a stress ball to play with so that he can be busy moving his hands quietly.
    - Set a timer and do checks frequently (every 10-15 minutes) to see how he is doing. Require him to walk across the room to tell you how he thinks his behavior has been. This will allow him to move and stretch his legs for a bit.
    - Sit him in the back of the class or on the side so that he can stand up to do his work if necessary.
    - If he is accidently stepping on people and this gets him sent to the principal's office- make him the line leader so that nobody can be hurt by him.
    - Have him frequently be the messenger for the room so that he can get up and move.
    - Give him a job to make him more "responsibile" that engages the motor skills he needs to have moving- like being the one to check everyone's desk/floor for neatness.
    - Give him tickets each morning and take them away when he speaks out of turn. He will learn that he can speak out so many times without getting in trouble and when the last one is taken away give him an appropriate punishment- NOT going to the principal's office. Eventually, you can lower the amount of tickets given because he will learn to self monitor.
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2. Communication- Require regular contact between you, him & herself through a daily agenda/notebook. You will be rqeuired to sign daily as will she. Each day you have signed, reawrds are given. Both of you can agree on a consequence if the agreement is not fulfilled.
3. Threatening kids- Under no circumstances should an adult put their hands on a child. Here in CA I would be under investigation by the principal and school board for doing something like that. Also, parents should be informed of the rules regarding absences, etc. Kids need to know what is expected as well but not in such a scary way!
It really sounds as if your son has a teacher who has no classroom managment skills and no compassion for kids with learning difficulties. Everyone is not the same and sometimes you have to think outside the box to get the same point across. There are a lot of other tricks I use with my kids to help them become successful and I only use the principal as a last resort. If I sent kids to the office for the things your son has been sent to the office for, I would surely be laughed at! She sounds as if she has no real reard/consequence system in place either. Grr....I hope things improve and that the things I have suggested are of some use.
