Big Paws Only Dog Forums

This joke is kinda funny and all. But I am not sure if it is directed towards me as a hint!


Male vs Female ATM Procedures


MALE PROCEDURE:
  1.  Drive up to the cash machine.
  2.  Put down your car window.
  3.  Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
  4.  Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
  5.  Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
  6.  Put window up.
  7.  Drive off.


  FEMALE PROCEDURE:
  1.  Drive up to cash machine.
  2.  Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
      machine.
  3.  Set parking brake, put the window down.
  4.  Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
      card.
  5.  Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
  6.  Attempt to insert card into machine.
  7.  Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
      distance from the car.
  8.  Insert card.
  9.  Re-insert card the right way.
  10.  Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
       inside back page.
  11.  Enter PIN.
  12.  Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
  13.  Enter amount of cash required.
  14.  Check makeup in rear view mirror.
  15.  Retrieve cash and receipt.
  16.  Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
  17.  Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
       checkbook.
  18.  Re-check makeup.
  19.  Drive forward 2 feet.
  20.  Reverse back to cash machine.
  21.  Retrieve card.
  22.  Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
       provided.
  23.  Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
  24.  Restart stalled engine and pull off.
  25.  Redial person on cell phone.
  26.  Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
  27.  Release Parking Brake.


SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE LADIES YOU THINK
  CAN HANDLE IT!

Tonight me and my boyfriend (Pierre) are going to do the hardest thing we have ever had to do. Our dog Cronics I think I have talked of him before has a tumor in his stomach and in his liver and he is close to heart failure and the Vet said he is only holding on for us cause his body is failing. So when I get home we are going to let him go and rest till we see him again when it is our time to be with him again. I know it is the right thing to do but I want him to stay just a little longer no matter how long he would live I would always want a little more time. Please pray that my sweet guy has peace now that the people that had him before us never let him have that hurt him I can only hope that the last 5 years with us helped make up for that a little.

Rachael, Pierre, Spike and our special boy Cronics

Awwwwwwwww they are sooo cute I just want to snuggle em' I wish I would have seen Spike when he was that little.
Rachael and Spike

I use crazy dog to give Spike a bath and wipes for in between baths and he has 2 diffrent types of body spray one smells like vanilla and peach and the other smells like rasberrys. The wipes are mostly for his front feet cause he pees on his feet all the time. He finally learned to lift his leg to bad its the front one he lifts instead of a back leg. LOL  He does not seem to mind being sprayed but my moms dog runs for cover when ever I try to spray him.
Rachael and Spike

With Spike it starts with a stare down if that does not work he will come over and poke me with his nose then run to show me what he wants if that does not work me will paw me or get in my way when I walk like winding his body around me like a cat does. I have learned to get a move on when I get the stare. So he has trained me well I guess! LOL
Rachael and Spike

Noone really knows my name but they all seem to knows Spikes. Even the people who own his friends that I sometimes bring him over to their yards to play with don't know my name. Heck they even know Spikes full name.
Rachael and Spike aka Mr. Popular

Puppies Point of View
I don't remember much from the place I was born. It was cramped and dark, and we were never playe with by the humans. I remember Mom and her soft fur, but she was often sick, and very thin. She had hardly any milk for me and my brothers and sisters. I remember many of them dying, and I missed the so.
I do remember the day I was taken from Mom. I was so sad and scared, my milk teeth had only just come in, and I really should have been with Mom still, but she was so sick, and the Humans kept saying that they wanted money and were sick of the "mess" that me and my sister made. So we were crated up and taken to strange place. Just the two of us. We huddled together and were scared, still no human hands came to pet or love us.

So many sights and sounds, and smells! We are in a store where there are many different animals! Some that squawk! some that meow! Some that Peep! My sister and I are jammed into a small cage, I hear other puppies here. I see humans look at me, I like the 'little humans', the kids. they look so sweet, and fun, like they would play with me!

All day we stay in the small cage, sometimes mean people will hit the glass and frighten us, every once in a while we are taken out to be held or shown to humans. Some are gentle some hurt us, we always hear "Aw they are So cute! I want one!" but we never get to go with any.
My sister died last night, when the store was dark. I lay my head on her soft fur and felt the life leave her small thin body. I had heard them say she was sick, and that I should be sold as a "discount price" so that I would quickly leave the store. I think my soft whine was the only one that mourned for her as her body was taken out of the cage in the morning and dumped.

Today, a family came and bought me! Oh happy day! They are a nice family, they really, really wanted me! They had bought a dish and food and the little girl held me so tenderly in her arms. I love her so much! The mom and dad say what a sweet and good puppy I am! I am named Angel. I love to lick my new humans!

The family takes such good care of me, they are loving and tender and sweet. They gently teach me right and wrong, give me good food, and lots of love! I want only to please these wonderful people! I love the little girl and I enjoy running and playing with her.

Today I went to the veterinarian. it was a strange place and I was frightened. I got some shots, but my best friend the little girl held me softly and said it would be OK. So I relaxed. The Vet must have said sad words to my beloved family, because they looked awfully sad. I heard Severe hip displacement, and something about my heart... I heard the vet say something about, back yard breeders and my parents not being tested. I know not what any of that means, just that it hurts me to see my family so sad. but they still love me, and I still love them very much!

I am 6 months old now. Where most other puppies are robust and rowdy, It hurts me terribly just to move. The pain never lets up. It hurts to run and play with my beloved little girl, and I find it hard to breath. I keep trying my best to be the strong pup I know I am supposed to be, but it is so hard. It breaks my heart to see the little girl so sad, and to hear the Mom and Dad talk about "it might now be the time". Several times I have went to that veterinarians place, and the news is never good. Always talk about Congenital Problems. I just want to feel the warm sunshine and run, and play and nuzzle with my family. Last night was the worst, Pain has been my constant now, it hurts even to get up and get a drink. I try to get up but can only whine in pain.

I am taken in the car one last time. Everyone is so sad, and I don't know why, have I been bad? I try to be good and loving, what have I done wrong? Oh if only this pain would be gone! If only I could soothe the tears of the little girl. I reach out my muzzle to lick her hand, but can only whine in pain. the veterinarians table is so cold. I am so frightened. The humans all hug and love me, they cry into my soft fur. I can feel their love and sadness. I manage to lick softly their hands.

Even the vet doesn't seem so scary today. He is gentle and I sense some kind of relief for my pain. The little girl hold me softly and I thank her, for giving me all her love. I feel a soft pinch in my foreleg. The pain is beginning to lift, I am beginning to feel a peace descend upon me. I can now softly lick her hand. My vision is becoming dreamlike now, and I see my Mother and my brothers and sisters, in a far off green place.

They tell me there is no pain there, only peace and happiness. I tell the family good- bye in the only way I know how, a soft wag of my tail and a nuzzle of my nose. I had hoped to spend many, many moons with them, but it was not meant to be. "You see," said the veterinarian "Pet shop puppies do not come from ethical breeders." The pain ends now, and I know it will be many years until I see my beloved family again. If only things could have been different.

(This story may be published or reprinted. Copywrite 1999 J. Ellis)