Author Topic: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).  (Read 4055 times)

Offline GrumpyBunny

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Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« on: January 18, 2008, 12:19:01 am »
I had kind of a hard day today.  Without boring you with all the details, I saw someone I really didn't want to have to see.  This person, with whom I used to have a relationship and live with, is going through some hard times.  About the hardest that you can imagine.  He doesn't have a drug or alcohol problem or anything.  However, he is now homeless.  He has brought this all on himself, and has only himself to blame, but it is still hard to see him in the state he is in.  I tried for years to fix him and when I realized that no one can ever fix anyone, I tried at least to help.  But no one could make the changes or decisions that needed to be made except for him.  And he couldn't or wouldn't make them. 

After supporting him financially for many years, I was no longer able to do it.  He went to stay with some family a few months ago.  We kept in touch, and I knew his situation was tenuous at best.  I was in the uncomfortable position of having to tell him more than once, when things were falling apart for him, that he couldn't come back and live with me.  I knew a few days ago that he was going to be kicked out and gave him numbers for shelters, etc.  He said he was coming back here, and I urged him to stay where he was, as he at least had a potential job coming up.  I think part of me just didn't want to deal with the potential of seeing him homeless, right in my own back yard.

And today I saw him.  Walking Ranger in the park where I work today I saw him.  He has been living in a tent for the past few days since he got back to San Diego.  He has no plan - no money, nowhere to go.  He didn't ask me for money, said that he knew he couldn't come home with me, and that I couldn't help him.  He mostly just petted Ranger and cried.  I could barely even meet his eyes.  I feel like crap.  Worse than crap.  I can't even describe it.  This is someone I used to love, was engaged to, and still care about very much.  But I can't be the one to save him anymore.  And I had to walk away from him today and leave him to God knows what.  I am so sad for him, but I am so mad too.  Part of me felt like I would die - so full of overwhelming emotion that I couldn't express even any little bit of it or I wouldn't be able to control it.  But a horrible part of me felt cold, like this was all too much and I shouldn't have to deal with it, and I just wanted to run to the car and drive away as fast as I could.  And I am mad that Ranger had to see him and get all excited and then be confused that he didn't come home with us - I have been crying over that all night.  I don't what to feel right now.  I just can't be the one to save him anymore.  Part of me feels like a horrible evil person, and part of me knows I did all I could.  And how do I deal with the possibility of seeing him there homeless when I go to work every day?  How do I not get pulled back in to his life and try to help him again, when I just can't?  It was a pretty good day until then, and now I just want to curl into a ball and rock...
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bigdogs@5501

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #1 on: January 18, 2008, 12:32:44 am »
I have never been in that position so I may be the wrong person to even comment. However I do know that you cant fix the problem. He is the only one who can fix the problem and he has to WANT to fix the problem.You are a caring person and this is why you are beating yourself up, dont, you have done nothing wrong. Unfortunately most people who are heading in the wrong direction have to hit absolute rock bottom before they will change what put them in that position. You could take him in and accomplish nothing other than to ease your mind that he is no longer sleeping in a tent but what does he want for himself? There are shelters that help those who want to be independent with jobs and homes, they would probably help him.
You are really a good person. Please realize you did not put him in this position and even if you wanted to, you could probably not help him, you would only be aiding him to not be independent and to pull himself out of this mess.

Offline Scootergirl

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #2 on: January 18, 2008, 12:52:19 am »
Aw, Marsi! I know EXACTLY how you feel. I really felt like I was reading my own story there - except I was actually married to the guy.

I know how difficult it is to see incredible potential in someone you love deeply and to do all you can, sacrifice your happiness, or at least your potential free time, to help them succeed and then have to see them set themselves up to fail every time or blame everyone else but themselves for why things didn't work out.

I supported Johann for almost 12 years, working 2 jobs, waiting for him to come home, putting up with mood swings, unemployment, etc. and finally realized I couldn't sacrifice anymore of myself. While I committed to "better or worse" I didn't want to live the rest of my life being disappointed and neither should you.

A relationship should be give and take, not give, give, give, wait, wait, wait, enable, enable, enable...

You feel bad because you have a heart and you are a caring, loving person who still cares about his welfare, but eventually men have to stop being boys and learn how to stand on their own two feet.

Stay strong, Marsi. You did the right thing.
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Offline London_Pyr_Lover

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #3 on: January 18, 2008, 01:42:47 am »
I'm sorry that you had to go through that today, I know how it feels.  I was never married to or romantically involved with him but one of my best friends in high school nearly killed himself several times with Cocaine and Heroin.  I had come back to Ontario to visit my family and decided to look up some of my old friends.  I heard that my one friend had been diagnosed with stomach cancer and called his house to see basically if he was still alive.  It turned out he was, so I made the trip from London to Kingston to see him.  This guy was an awesome kid, he had like a triple black belt is various martial arts, and was generally a sweet, and caring kid.  The man I saw when I went to visit, looked exactly like the kid I knew 8 years prior, but he was emaciated and hooked on drugs.  I convinced him to come back to BC with me and get off drugs and try to rebuild his life.  Anyways long story short, I couldn't help him, as much time and effort and love I put into trying to help him become a real person instead of a junkie, there came a point where I hit a wall.  I realized that to actually help him learn how to function as a real person, I can't be holding his hand constantly, yes I felt terrible, in fact I still do feel terrible.  I kept in contact with him for only a few more months before I realized I can't even do that because he was still constantly feeding off of my emotions, and completely dependant on me.  It's been about 2 years now, I still think about him alot, and I hope that he was able to help himself, and that I hopefully gave him the tools to start, but I could no longer hold him up.  So

I guess what I'm trying to say to you is that, you did what you could, you tried to give him the tools to help himself, but you can't hope to give him anything else because that's not actually helping him, just keeping him in this state of total dependance.  I hope that made sense. 

Have a nice cup of tea, give Ranger a big hug, and feel proud of yourself for handling yourself so well in the situation.   :-* :-* :-*
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Offline maxsmom

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #4 on: January 18, 2008, 11:56:38 am »
As hard as it is to accept everyone here is right on the money.  We all have to face things in our lives that we cannot fix, no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we want to, no matter how much we love and care about the person involved.  Unlike dogs, people are legally able to make their own decisions, do their own thing, and generally ruin their lives, if they so choose.  That is a cold hard fact of life.  My son was sleeping in his car, with nowhere to go at one point in his life.  I told him he could come home, but, he had to have 1 full time job, at least 1 part time job, give me every paycheck endorsed, live by my rules, do chores around the house, like a child and do what I told him to do, no questions asked.  He was 19 at the time and had been on his own for a year.  He came home and did what I asked.  In 2 months time, I had put away enough of his money to rent him a small house, pay all his deposits, furnish the house, and move him in.  Within 6 months, he lost it all and was back in his car.  I refused to help him again.  Now 10 years later, he owns his own home, is married with 2 children and one on the way. He lives a good, not rich, but good life.  He works very hard and is a great husband, father and provider.  His wife is a stay at home mom.  He had to want it for himself and work through it in his own way.  I could not do it for him and you cannot do it for this guy.  The best thing you can do for him is to let him live his own life, in his own way.  It sucks and hurts, but it is truly the only way for him to get it together.  You will be in my prayers and so will he.
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Offline navarre1316

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2008, 02:57:50 pm »
I am SO proud of you for walking away!!!  That will be one of the hardest things you will do, and now it's done!!  I will ditto everything everybody has said.  And I will add one:  YOU COME FIRST.  No one is going to take care of you, better than you.  And the same goes for him, you've obviously done your best.  If it's too raw to see him, or run into him right now, do whatever it takes not to.

And I know that you still care for him, but be aware of the manipulation that people like this are capable of.  Sometimes you don't even see it, I didn't, and I'm usually really good at stuff like that!!  He had a job opportunity and he still left, that's a huge sign that he is still not ready to be responsible.

I hope today is a better day, and feel free to rant or vent as much as you need to.  We'll listen (read :D).
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Offline GrumpyBunny

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #6 on: January 18, 2008, 03:19:07 pm »
Thanks so much everyone.  I can't tell you how much your words have meant to me.  Each and every one of you has said something that has really hit home with me, and I don't feel nearly as alone.  I guess I know deep down that I am not a bad person, just a good person who is still paying for a bad decision. 

Like I said last night, one of the things that angered me most was that Ranger had to see him.  I was just really worried that he would be upset and confused by that.  I was really glad Gwen wasn't with me, as she is his dog.  I don't know if it had anything to do with it, but last night Ranger slept on the foot of my bed for awhile for the first time ever.  I would like to think that was because he knew I was upset, but Ranger generally has the emotional awareness of a piece of driftwood, so I don't know.  Maybe he was the upset one.

I don't know that the upcoming days are going to be any easier for me, but it really lifts a big weight to know that you guys care and are there for me.  It touches my grumpy little bunny heart very deeply. :)
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Offline jagersmom

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #7 on: January 18, 2008, 04:44:57 pm »
We've been through everything in my family as well. My mom actually took in my 2 older brothers and other sister because of their mother's relationships (men, alcohol, you name it) and she had to hit rock bottom, lost her house everything, her kids were here so they didn't have to hit bottom with her and were safe. We've all been there in some way or another. Like everyone has been saying, you can't help them unless they want it. You are the first priority. Ranger will be okay. Jager sees one of my exs occassionaly (he lives near by so he'll pass by on his way somewhere) and just looks as if to say "oh. you."

We're all here for you though. Sending furry hugs your way.  :-*
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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2008, 08:47:56 pm »
Agh, Marsi! Sorry I missed this. I've been kind of busy lately and not around much. I'm sorry you had to experience that kind of heartache. That totally blows. I won't repeat everything everyone else said. They're totally right. Its just painful to see someone you love like that and know that you will NEVER be able to help them.

 :-*

Offline macybean

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2008, 10:08:55 pm »
I have been in a similar situation and also had to walk away. He may get past this eventually, but nothing you can say or do will get him to that point. HE has to do it for himself when he is ready. The person in my situation did eventually crawl out of the hole he'd dug himself, but by that point, I, too, had walked away. I had to. As someone said earlier, a relationship cannot be all about enabling and giving. You'll run yourself into the ground. No matter how much you love him, he has to fix it himself.

Offline GrumpyBunny

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Re: Bad Day. Super Bad Day (long).
« Reply #10 on: January 20, 2008, 02:37:17 am »
I just wanted to thank you all again.  I was really nervous about going to work today - I felt sick to my stomach about possibly seeing him again (I work in the park where he apparently has been living for the past few days), or him even coming by my work.  That didn't happen today, but it is something that could very well occur in the future.  I will just have to deal with that on a day-by-day basis. 

Of course I kept re-playing everything in my mind all day, and dwelling on his situation.  There was definitely a part of me that just wanted to run out there and find him and make everything ok again, but I just kept reminding myself of all your words of encouragement and support and it really helped me be strong today and stay on the course that I know is right.  Thanks all - I can't tell you guys how much this support has meant!
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