Araby had to go to the groomer today. Because you have to drop off between 7 and 9 and Matt has to be at work at 6:30 he can't take her so Mommy gets to. Yay...... For those who don't know Araby is Matt's psychotic, demon posessed, obnoxoius, sadistic, Pirma Donna 35 pound English Setter AKA "The Harpie". It never ceases to amaze me that this little wisp of a dog can drag me all over Goshen (Old people phrase), and I can control my 160 pound behemoth with less pressure than my pinkie finger (I do the drap the leash over your shoulders thing. SOOOOOO cool! Makes me feel like I actually know what I'm doing!Â
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ANYWAYS, Matt can't just have me pick Araby up, he wants to SEE me in the morning. Seeing as how he leaves FOR work at 6:00 AM this means that I have to be there before then. And I live 45 minutes away. And he wants coffee. So I have to leave the house at around 4:45, meaning that in order to look like anything that resembles a human being, I must get out of bed no later than 4:15. I don't even know if my alarm will work that early, so I set my cell alarm too. I wake up at 4:12 to a big *WHUMP* noise. Nee had stretched out, pushed his legs against me and fell out of bed. I laugh at him, call him names, and INSTEAD of getting up 3 minutes early (2 minutes by the time I was done laughing), I went back to sleepy. Alarm goes off. I curse and get up and toddle off to the bathroom.Â
About midway through teeth brushing, I fall asleep only to wake up when I hear Nee Rooing about something. Then I hear crashing noises. I sit and wonder, in my narcolepsy addled brain if I want to bother to go see what it was. More thuddings and crashings from my room. I figure something must be up because there isn't that much stuff in my room to be broken. I had forgotten about my cell alarm and it must have been beeping and vibrating across the nightstand onto the bed where a freaked Nee decided it was some instrument of the devil that he must dispatch before Mommy returned! I assume this is where the first crash occured, which brought the phone to the floor. Ever resiliant the little phone kept jittering it's unheeded call. Even MORE resiliant, Sanity was determined to destroy this evil thingy before it got a chance to use it's voodoo magic on his mommy.Â
THIS is where it gets interesting, because when I walked into my room, Nee was stuck, butt and balls in the air, between my bed and the wall. He's still woofing and pawing at my poor little phone, his back legs and tail kicking into my lamp over and over and over again. Mind you all of this is at around 4:20 in the morning and we live in a duplex. I have to get the lard a** out of this tiny little crevice without him kicking me in the face. Or if he DOES kick me in the face, with as little permanent damage as possible. I sit on my bed, brace my feet against the wall, grab his waist and pull. Nothing. Oh wait, he might have peed on my hand. Yay. I sit back and look at the most deadly end of a creature known to man. Between the flatulance and the tail of doom, a Dane's arse end is an enemy few have battled and survived. I must use all my wit and skill! I tried many brilliant plans, all of which failed miserably. However, in the end I was victorious, as I just yelled "COOKIES!" and he got out himself.Â
I am now immensely late, and can only complete the minimal accepted tasks of personal hygiene. I throw on some jeans, shoes, and some semblance of cleavage coverage grab the evil phone and run down the stairs. Nee clambers down after me, we tear out the door into my NON warmed up car. I weave through traffic (There's traffic going to Boston from the boonies at 5 AM), and squeal to a stop in front of Dunkin Donuts, hop out, get a medium Dunkachino, and they charge me for a small. YAY FOR ME! I get back in the car. Nee is put out that he didn't get anything and retreats to the back to pout. I pull into the driveway just as Matt's starting the Jeep (SOME people get to warm up their cars...). I leave Nee in the car and Matt and I go inside so he can show me a post card his mother got from some guy who's traveling the world. ("I KNEW SHE HAD A BOYFRIEND!" He hisses at me). Hobo hears his mommy and starts fussing to get out of the bedroom, so I let him out, and I go out with Matt so I can move my car and he can go to work.Â
It is now 6 AM. I decide to get some sleep, and after putting Nee and Hobo in the kitchen, I set the alarm and nod off. I am awoken to Araby barks. I am immediately pissy as this means Araby is outside (She barks constantly for no reason when she's out, which is why there is a rule in place at the house that she can't go out before 9 AM) with the boys, which means that not only is she going to be immensely hyper and hard to catch but she will be covered with fresh gooey mud when she hops into my car. Fan-f'ing-tastic. As I lay there glowering I hear Matt's mom scream at the dogs it's time to come in. They obviously don't listen to her, she tries to call them individually, still nothing, so she slams the door muttering something about shooting them all. The dogs are not impressed by her idle threats as they know she does not even own a gun.
I ease myself out of bed, noting that it's 7 AM, and I can take Bibs to the groomer now. I go out, call the dogs (who come in right away for their momma who they love/fear so much). I grab Araby's leash, and she's a good girl and sits for it, then goes tearing through the open baby gate, Hobo right after. Nee is a big gallumph and he doesn't have that whole "Fast Break" thing down, and as a result gets there just in time to run face first into the gate.Â
Araby's going nuts, and Hobo's at the door, wanting to go for a ride. I need to explain something here. You ever watch those deep sea fishing shows? The one where the guy is wearing a harness attached to his pole? Getting tossed every which way? Then he gets pulled overboard? Yeah THAT is what holding Araby on a leash is like. Usually what I do is brace myself, let her choke herself for a while, then come next to me quivering with live energy. (I just want to mention here that we've spent close to $1,000 in classes alone, trying to leash train her. Not to mention we've tried every training device on the market. Off lead she's amazing, but on the leash she's a crack head.)Â
Well this time I had to grab Hobo, and Matt's mom is just standing there (Hollering for Araby to calm down and for Hobo to go in the kitchen. The woman likes to yell), so I asked if she thought she could hold Araby for a minute. She said yes, so I hand her to her and go to get Hobo. Matt's mom is yelling at Bibs, then she says "Calm DOWN!" and yanks the leash so hard Araby falls over. She seemed fine, but I yelled at Matt's mom anyways, put Hobo in the kitchen and took Bibs out to the car.Â
As soon as we got in the car she started to cower. She was shaking and when I opened the door when we got there, instead of catapaulting out to share her mental issues with the world she just laid there shivering. As soon as I picked the leash up she got out of the car, but she hung back. She walked on lead without pulling my arm out. We got inside and instead of bouncing off the walls she just sat there shaking. One of the grooming assistants asked if she was OK, as they are used to uber tyrant Araby. I said I didn't know, then the groomer came in and I talked to her for awhile, Bibs curled up in her lap, still shaking.Â
I am REALLY mad now. Should I take Bibs to the vet? Should I just tell Matt and have him bitch out his mother? Should I just wait till she comes back from the groomers and see how she is then? Yes Araby is my nemesis, but I love her to death and it isn't the same